In a half-century’s deep interest in politics, I’ve heard some bullshit during election campaigns but nothing has come close to yesterday’s “I’ve been a bulldozer and I’m sorry but if you re-elect me I promise to change” bullshit from Smoko Morrison.
Okay, Julia Gillard’s “from now on you’ll be seeing the Real Julia!” moment came close but she had three things in her favour back then: she did it early enough in the campaign, the real her did emerge and it resonated with voters because deep down they knew she was a decent enough stick who cared about her fellow Australians.
Back to reality and Smoko. If you doubt that Australia’s caretaker PM’s mea culpa is extremely damaging to his already losing cause, check out what the mug punters think.
The LNP’s chances of being reelected, according to Sportsbet, had hovered around the $3.20 mark for a few days now. That’s where it was mid-morning yesterday until arguably the world’s greatest-ever political marketer/campaigner – the bulk of the MSM’s view for the past three years mind; never mine – cooked up the bulldozer line. Those odds blew out steadily over the day and stood at $4 last night.
And why? Bulldozer is an apt description for Smoko but only if it’s seen as two words smashed up against each other: Bullshitter and Dozer.
And I can tell Smoko this: if he thinks the “bulldozer” line is going to resonate with the supposedly large portion of undecided or “soft” voters still out there, it’s not, largely because it jars totally with his earlier campaign pitch that “voters might not like me but they know what I stand for and what you see is what you get”.
“Albanese is unknown and small and weak while basically, I’m a tough cookie and to paraphrase Maggie Thatcher: ‘I’m the average bloke next door, the beer-guzzling sports lover who’s not for changing’. Hey, watch me toot this truck horn!”
Well, Smoko, the number of undecided voters still out there is highly debatable anyway but not too many are going to buy the latest snake-oil formula you’ve mixed together and yu’re now trying to force down the throats of what you hope are gullible voters.
Few are going to believe your view that you had to be a bulldozer to get Australia through Covid. You wanted to go watch the Sharkies, for fuck’s sake. You were happy to put the health of the economy before the health of your fellow Australians.
You flipped and flopped through various super-hero iterations before finally returning to the one with the philosophy you’ve only ever really believed: Let-It-Rip Man and profits before people.
You rejected calls from the union movement and the Labor opposition to implement job-seeker/job keeper type programs to help Australians through the pandemic. Others bulldozed you into doing the right thing. Niki Savva was one of the few MSM scribes who declared the state premiers and the territory chief ministers did all the heavy lifting through the pandemic response.
Then there’s the Dozer part of your personality. You dozed under a hot Hawaiian sun and some bevies while Australia burned. You said you’d come home immediately but then snoozed a bit more.
You were then too lazy or just dozing to realise the vaccination rollout was in fact a race. As was the procurement of enough RATs.
Your fate has been sealed through a lazy litany of lies over the years. I never bagged electric vehicles! Labor is lying if they say I did! I never tried to get Brian Houston invited to a White House soiree! No-one told me about an alleged rape just down the corridor for two years! I never saw the colour-coded Sports Rorts spreadsheets all over my office before the 2019 election!
In summary, your bulldozer right now is well and truly bogged in a flooded blacksoil field in the Lockyer Valley.
The Australians still to vote are not going to buy your claim that after the election, you’ll stop being the dreadful liar you’ve been your entire prime-ministership and probably your entire life.
They are not going to buy your claim that after the election, you’ll stop being a dreadful bully.
They are not going to buy your claim that after the election, you’ll stop being a truly awful cunt.