Solid backing for net-zero Plan

With the aid of an impressive deep-Liberal-blue booklet, The Plan to Deliver Net Zero The Australian Way backed up by a 15-page PowerPoint presentation, Prime Minister Scott Morrison yesterday certainly looked and acted like he had finally unlocked the key to a further three years in The Lodge.

But what have average Australians thought of Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s net-zero-emissions-by-2050 Plan? Has it fatally wedged Anthony Albanese’s Labor Party, which surely must now know that any Plan that betters Morrison’s will lead to electoral disaster?

The Bug sent out teams of reporters to gauge reaction on the street to the master Plan from a Marketing Maestro.

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JED AND JUGG CANAVAN, twin brothers, 40 (age and combined IQ), coalminer impersonators, North Gympie Canavan (sic) Park, Queensland.

When you red (sic) the booklet, you could have thought we’d writ it ourselves if in fact we new (sic) how to writ. Not a single job in any industry lost; coal mining and exports to continue into the never-never…. we’ve never been a big fan of Morrison but he’s did a great job hear (sic).

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MRS PETA DUNCAN: 50, housewife, Strathpine, Queensland.

Look, the plan’s fine but will it turn the government’s fortunes around? I seriously believe that time is fast running out for the LNP if they want a fourth term in office. Surely there must be someone around the traps in an electorate full of born-again happy-clappers who could lead the government much better through the strength of his personality, his drive and ambition, his honesty and compassion and his life-long commitment to doing the right thing by Australia.

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DAME ALANA JONES, 80, housewife and dementia survivor, Sydney, NSW.

Scott Morrison is doing an amazing job and anyone who doesn’t think that should be taken out to sea and thrown overboard in a chaffbag.

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FREYA DENBERG, 50, housewife, Moonee Ponds, Victoria.

There’s more holes in this plan than in the front row of a French can-can! There surely must be someone waiting in the wings that could reunite an angry and fractured nation. Has Australia ever had a Jewish prime minister?

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MORRIS SCOTSON, 53, retired marketing expert, Hamilton Island, Queensland.

Frankly, I’ve tired of having to explain to the fucking morons around here just how Scott Morrison is, and will always be, a marketing genius. It’s why he is affectionately known around Australia as #scottiefrommarketing. But his latest sales pitch has it all! The Australian Way indeed! Makes you want to grab a .303 and march ashore at Gallipoli and give Johnny Turk’s tummy a taste of Aussie steel! Anyone out there across this nation who is still a proud patriot of what’s left of this once great country – do you know how much they charge for a fucking triple Bundy and coke in this dump? – must surely Embrace Scott’s Plan …. and, no! … that cap E on embrace was no mistake.

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TUN BULLMANTON, 67, retired drag queen, Elizabeth Bay, Sydney.

I’ll tell you what The Australian Way is! It’s when a bloke stands by your shoulder and pats you on the back and declares he’s “got your back” …. that’s The Australian Way, okay, and you can fucking quote me on that.

NAME WITHHELD ON REQUEST, 54, travelling salesman, philosopher, Waratah flower and chocolate lover, no fixed abode but sometimes sleeps in the rusting ruins of the Townsville nickel refinery.

The Plan’s brilliant! Now if there was only an unselfish, altruistic Australian knockabout bloke somewhere out there with $90 million plus to spend on an honest, ethical, cross-media advertising blitz to bring that plan to fruition and defend his coal-mining interests in the process!

PETER HARTCHER, mainstream media humourist.

With this brilliant masterstroke, marketing genius Scott Morrison has emphatically moved to the centre of Australian politics, wedged Labor mercilessly in the process while taking the wind completely out of its sails and now enjoys a unparalleled position of power from which he will march triumphantly to a much-deserved election victory.