Experts clash over Morrison makeover


The nation’s leading political journalists have argued bitterly over whether a complete 180 degree turn by Prime Minister Scott Morrison yesterday over how to combat the coronavirus will boost or harm his re-election chances.

The Bug has been handed exclusively the transcript of a zoom conference call among those mainstream media early last night. It’s understood these brilliant writers and expert political commentators conduct these zoom meetings every Sunday around 7pm to frame the political week ahead.

The Bug proudly presents the discussion so its readers can make up their own minds as to who is the crème de la crème of our nation’s political commentariat.

Peter van Onselen: Morrison will win the next federal election whenever it’s held.

Niki Savva: Oh, fuck off Peter…

Patricia Karvelas: Ooh, wah!

Savva: No, seriously Peter. Go back to teaching gullible young students at the University of Western Australia!

van Onselen: No, that’s Professor van Onselen. He also often says silly, illogical things like that to get attention. I’m the Peter van Onselen who’s the national political editor for the Channel 10 network.

Savva: Sorry. So do you really think it’s going to work for Morrison to move so abruptly from Vaccine Man, National Hero to Lockdown Leader of a Grateful Nation?

Dennis Atkins: Can I just butt in here to say definitely that the next federal election will be held this year, next year, this year and next year. And I’m absolutely certain of that.

Voices: Defintely not! You’re not even mainstream any more so click out now!

Peter Hartcher: We’re going to have to change our log-in code. And if you, Malcolm Farr or Paul Bongiorno, are still on line, you can both fuck off now too….

Karvelas: Ooh, wah!

Hartcher: You too Michelle. Look, can I just say that the PM’s total-about face is a masterstroke. He has clearly moved to the centre of Australian politics where he is now dominating proceedings and has a clear election-winning lead.

Chris Uhlmann: I totally agree with that!

Laura Tingle: Really?

Uhlmann and Hartcher: And Peter Costello does too!

David Crowe: That’s right. Morrison has well and truly wedged Anthony Albanese and completely taken the wind out of Labor’s sails.

Voices murmur full approval.

Crowe: And I certainly agree that what could appear opportunistic and hypocritical from any other politician who’s not a master marketer will not harm Morrison. He did after all virtually win the 2019 election all by himself!

Voices murmur full approval.

Jacqueline Maley: And Mr Morrison surely has to be praised for his overall national leadership in combating COVID-19 over the past 18 months!

van Onselen: I’d agree totally with that!

Hartcher: And you being?

van Onselen: The Peter van Onselen who often appears on ABC programs on radio and television whenever David or Michelle or Speersy are not available. But can we get back to our central topic. I think Morrison’s abrupt about-face is perfectly logical.

Voices: Because he doesn’t have anywhere near the number of vaccines needed to go down that path?

van Onselen, van Onselen and van Onselen: Exactly!

Voices: And that pathetic lack of vaccines such as AstraZeneca or even effective ones clearly shows Kevin Rudd’s phone call to that Pfizer boss did no bloody good at all!

Karvelas: Ooh wah! You guys have just sworn on a national zoom hookup again! But I won’t be schooling you on the language you should all use.

Uhlmann: Pfizer clearly said all along that Rudd’s intervention did fuck all good!

Karvelas: Ooh, wah!

Voices murmur full approval.

Savva: Well, I still don’t like that Morrison cunt one little bit.

Karvelas: Ooh, wah!

Voices: Why?

Savva: He’s not Malcolm Turnbull.