RARE BUSINESS ALTRUISM ON SHOW!

A famous US distillery has shown enormous community spirit by issuing a warning that young women should not turn to drinking their product straight to ease the pain of a love lost.

Jack Daniel Distillery in Kentucky issued a public statement over the weekend that stated: “Alcohol is a known depressant and anyone “drinking Jack all by myself” is not doing themselves any favour at all”.

Released by distillery owners the Brown-Forman Corporation, the statement explains that the famous whisky bourbon maker has become increasingly concerned by the popularity and long-lasting duration and massive airplay for country hit Choosin’ Texas by Ella Langley.

In the song’s lengthy video, Langley repeats the line “Drinking Jack all by myself” and is pictured drinking Jack Daniels neat.

In the statement, Brown-Forman Corporation Chief Operating Officer Abe Stinance explains that women in particular, because of their size, can cause themselves great harm by drinking Jack Daniels straight for any length of time.

“The video shows this lovelorn lady continuing to give our product a healthy nudge outside the bar. We must stress that she should at least be using a mixer and having a full glass of water between such alcoholic drinks.”

“Heavens to Betsy, Ella’s a lovely looking young lass but what would she weigh? Six, seven stone? Jack’s not really her drink even if she ordered half nips. Its market is big burly blokes twice Ella’s weight – lumberjacks and New York police officers – and far more piss-fit than she is.”

In a country where business and profit making by any means are king, various organisations have lauded the distillery’s stance, including the US Cirrhosis of the Liver Transplant Foundation, The American Temperance League and Jim Beam.

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