WASHINGTON DC: US Secretary of Endless Wars, Pete Hegseth, told reporters this morning he is confident of staying in his job despite suggestions that President Trump will reshuffle his cabinet.

Speaking at a new outdoor office he had ordered to be constructed at the Pentagon building following the mid-term elections (main picture), Mr Hegseth said he was “very, very confident” of staying in his job.

But he immediately began to doubt his own words when reporters confirmed with him that he had based his statement on a conversation he had just had with Mr Trump.

“Oh, fuck!” he said. “You’re right. The President did say directly to me that my job is safe.

“So, I’m fucked,” he conceded.

His view was confirmed just minutes later when Mr Trump fronted reporters at the White House briefing room to announce he would be installing one of his own freshly extruded turds as Secretary of Defence. (below)

“Pete [Hegseth] has been doing a shit job and is to blame entirely for the mid-term Republican losses, not me,” he said.

“So he’s got to go, and what better to replace him than another piece of shit. But not just any piece of shit – a piece of shit from a stable genius.”

Aides then shepherded the President from the room when he began having a conversation with the turd about military strategy in Iran.

Before making his comments on Mr Hegseth, Mr Trump revealed that his earlier social media post begging the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) CEO, Dana White, to take on the role of White House press secretary was “a misunderstanding”.

A post by Mr Trump on his preferred social media platform Lies Social, known as Truth Social prior to the mid-term elections, said he wanted Mr White to take on the role following the five-day stint of (Note to subs: Please fill in the name. I can’t remember who it was.)

But Mr Trump told reporters that he had made a mistake when typing his post.

“I didn’t mean to mention Dana White,” he explained. “I blame the autocorrect feature for inserting his name.

“What I was trying to say is that I want a press secretary who is white. It’s that simple.”

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