The column that has fun with the smaller mistakes and missteps of Australia’s mainstream mediocre; that pays homage to those sweet little fishes that individually don’t amount to a full meal but collectively can cause a tummy upset over the overall state of the once great and noble craft of journalism in this country.

BUT THERE’S NO DOUBT THE COPS GOT THEIR CULPRIT!

The bitter and twisted old hacks who compile this column have often banged on about the overuse, underuse and misuse of “alleged” and “allegedly” in police round yarns. Another of their common gripes is the use of “one vehicle collided with another” – inferring greater responsibility for the driver of the first vehicle mentioned – than “two vehicles collided” which newsroom tyros in another millennium were told was a much safer, fairer, way of reporting such things.

But Nine News Queensland earlier last week might just have managed the quinella on both of those fronts.

Take it away, newsreader Joel Dry: “A driver accused of fleeing the scene of a Sunshine Coast crash has been found hiding from police in nearby bushland”. And seeing a man has been remanded in court charged with that exact offence, so far so good, right?

But Dry’s words are crystal clear state that the cops got the right offender …. sorry, alleged offender …so our column compilers wonder why the silly bugger just didn’t plead guilty at court and get the matter done and dusted.

So when did the word “alleged” get used in this piece. Here’s Dry again: “The 22-year-old allegedly took off after he collided with another vehicle …. around 10 last night leaving the other driver injured on the ground. But he wasn’t on the run for long, led back to a waiting police car without his shoes”.

So this bloke has “allegedly” taken off and as you can see from the top graphic reprinted below he also allegedly hidden from the cops.

Our MB columnists have often shaken their heads containing their rum-addled brains over the desire of modern scribes to put our system of justice out to pasture, with no need really for any magistrate to establish that the cops did indeed arrest the right person – or group – no matter how far away from the scene or how much later they are taken into custody. It’s them that done it! We’ve got them dead to rights!

Dry’s intro needed just a little rewrite to show that the basic principles of good reporting still exist … allegedly.

***

Let’s finish this Sabbath offering off with a few silly newspaper headings or pointers, especially the first one that has us all a little saddened that Shawn Micallef’s Mad as Hell doesn’t appear as much as it should, and one segment in particular…

Here’s a heading from the SMH late last month….

Chinks! Chicks! Just a bit of harmless fun, really.

Our cadet researcher, whom we call AI, has informed us that from its arrival in Oz as a vital food source if you don’t want to live too long but a breakfast necessity along with a pint of flavoured milk after a boozy night out, the Chicco roll has only ever contained one ingredient that used to have legs, and that’s beef that makes up 4 per cent of the roll.

Not a lamentable pun nominee but we are always grateful for the offerings from retired The Courier-Mail rugby league writing great Barry Dick, a Lang Park Media Hall of Famer, who often spots silly little mistakes in that organ as well as others.

As Barry told us: “Considering Mao [Mao Zedong] would be 133, it’s no wonder he’s got health issues.”

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!