HEAVEN: God Almighty says she will lodge a protest with US Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth, (main picture) over his decision to establish an Office of Religious Affairs within the Pentagon.
Mr Hegseth said the move was part of his efforts for the US military to “put on the full armour of God”.
The Supreme Being (below) said she was surprised at the development and would seek to have the decision reversed.
“Mr Hegseth says the new office will boost the role of religion in military life, as if that’s the missing ingredient for achieving world peace,” God said.
“Really? He needs to take a look around the world to see how well religion in military life has worked out.
“How about the Middle East? Islam, Judaism, and Christianity. All happy campers? I think not.
“Remember Northern Ireland and ‘the troubles’. The trouble was pretty much Catholics versus Protestants.
“Even within the Islamic world there’s the ongoing battle between Sunni and Shiite Muslims.
“So what the hell is this new office going to achieve? Since I am all-seeing, omnipresent, and infallible I can answer that. It’ll achieve fuck all,” she said.
God said she had been attempting to contact Mr Hegseth since he announced the new Office of Religious Affairs.
“I need to talk to him because I have never previously spoken to him, although I know he keeps telling people that he speaks to me often,” she said.
“Nothing could be further from the truth. If that little happy-clapping weasel keeps saying he has a special relationship with me I’ll take matters into my own hands.
“I know he’s only 46 and supposedly in good health, but as they say, ‘God moves in mysterious ways’. Fuckin’ oath I do,” God said.
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