BRISBANE: Chances of the Brisbane Bolts club winning its sixth grand final in a row deteriorated overnight with the JDG’s judiciary committee finding the team’s star left-field back half-forward slerter, Warren “Morning” Wood, guilty of a striking charge.
CEO of the Bolts, Terry Verandah, (below) said this morning the club would lodge an appeal to the ruling in a bid to allow Wood (seen in main picture leaving JDG House in Sydney last night) play in Saturday’s grand final.
“It’s no secret we need Woody to take to the field this Saturday if we are to maintain our unbroken streak of grand final wins since the so-called ‘Bloody Saturday’ in 2021,” Mr Verandah told reporters who located him this morning leaving the Early Riser Brekkie Brothel in a Brisbane southside industrial suburb.
“We want to do all we can to ensure the coveted Dick ‘Big Dick’ Dix Durex Ribbed for Your Pleasure Condoms Trophy stays with the Bolts,” he said, adding that the offence leading to the striking charge against Wood had been exaggerated.
“Sure, he hit his opposite number in the Hawthorn Haemorrhoids, and sure the kid died, but for fuck’s sake, does that justify a striking charge?” he said. “In my day you’d be carried should high for doing that.
“I mean Woody is a two time Browneye Medal winner. He should be treated like a hero and the role model he is for all those Aussie kiddies who love the game.
“The whole JDG’s gone soft, and the judiciary committee is just as bad by making decisions like the one against Woody.”
Mr Verandah said he did not believe that Warren Wood’s actions at the judiciary hearing – attending naked, remaining silent while masturbating throughout the hearing, then baring his buttocks to committee members before defecating on the floor and hurling his faeces at the committee when it announced its guilty finding – might have hurt his case.
He said he had no comment on the news that broke overnight of a string of fire-bombings at schools attended by the children of JDG judiciary appeals committee members.
“I know nothing about that,” he said while pulling a flick-knife from the pocket of the trousers he was carrying and wielding it in slashing motions against reporters to clear a path to his car.
When asked to comment on Wood’s behaviour at the judiciary committee, Brisbane Bolts’ head coach, Jack Saunders said: “It’s just a bit of hi-jinks – just some good natured horseplay”.
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