IPSWICH: Leader of Australia’s white indigenous peoples, Queensland Senator Aunty Pauline Hanson, says she is preparing to issue a national apology that will “go much further” than the historic statement made by former prime minister Kevin Rudd in 2008.

The leader of the crumbedwhiting people of the batteredsav nation who have traded deep-fried dim sims in and around the Ipswich region for generations, Senator Aunty Pauline, said her apology would embrace all Australians.

“Kevin Rudd’s apology seemed to go on forever,” she added. “It must have been at least 10 minutes.

“Mine will be much, much shorter and I’ll be apologising to all white indigenous peoples, not just the non-existent stolen generations as Rudd did.

“I’ll simply be saying that if I say anything to offend anyone then I’m sorry – get over it.

“After that I believe our One Nation can move on and I shouldn’t have to face any more questions to ‘please explain’ any of my comments,” Senator Aunty Pauline said.

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WASHINGTON DC: President Donald Trump has extended the latest justification for his proposed triumphal arch to other vanity projects he has in mind for the US capital.

At the weekend Trump used his Truth Social platform to declare that the planned 60m tall arch in the centre of Washington was needed because it would be a national security facility housing ammunition and military snipers.

This morning he extended his use of that reason to other projects he had in mind to cement his name into history.

“I will press ahead with renaming the Kennedy Centre as the Donald J Trump Centre for the Performing and Mixed-Martial Arts because it too will be an integral part of our national security network.

“It will be used to store massive amounts of ammunition and it will have snipers based on its roof.

“The same goes for the work I’m planning on the Donald J Trump Washington Monument (below) which, because of its height, is ideal as a sniper base.

“The US Donald J Trump Capitol is also a strategic building when it comes to our nation’s security and I am determined to renovate it so that it can fulfil that role,” he said. (below)

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NEW YORK: Prime Minister Anthony Albanese says he believes Australia is now certain to secure a place on the United Nation’s Security Council for the 2029-2030 term.

“I have always thought we had good chance to gain sufficient support to take a security council post, but since announcing Bluey (below) as our candidate for the post I now reckon we’re a shoo-in,” Mr Albanese said.

He said soundings among UN member states showed Bluey was “extremely popular” and was likely to gain enough votes to put her ahead of the Moomin candidate from main rival Finland. (below)

“For starters Bluey is a woman, a young woman at that, and a person – or at least a dog – of colour whereas the Moomin is a … well, I’m fucked if I know what it is, but it is white,” he said.

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