CANBERRA: Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has been rushed to the ICU unit of a private hospital here after an early-morning media call at Parliament House ended in disaster as shocked gallery members watched his testicles more than quadruple in size before exploding under the pressure of such a huge expansion.

Footage of the bizarre incident is making news worldwide after Mr Albanese began his opening remarks with the news that Australia would be putting its political ANZUS allegiance with the United States on hold “until our oldest ally sees sense and boots criminal pedophile Donald Trump out of office”.

“The AUKUS pact is also on ice for the time being,” the PM thundered. “The world’s put up with a lot of bullshit from Trump but his claim that he had to be lifted from the rubble of the World Trade Centre by burly firemen back in 2001 was the final straw for me.”

It was at this stage that one senior politics journo pointed to the PM’s groin and shouted: “Oh, my God! He’s finally growing a pair” referring to two bulges quickly growing to the size of Bowen mangoes – one just a bit longer than the other – that had begun pressing against the front of his suit trouser all-Merino-wool fabric.

“And even when that happens, I can no longer guarantee that the AUKUS nuclear submarine deal goes ahead until a full inquiry by this Parliament is held into its worth and likelihood.” the PM continued, although now visibly discomforted by what was happening but not daring to look down.

Several Newscorpse scribes could be heard muttering “Mr Murdoch’s not going to like this one bit” before Albanese’s old fashioned trouser buttons flew free, causing some journos to duck and snappers instinctively cover their camera lenses.

By this stage, both prime-ministerial testicles had forced their way clear and ABC reporter Jane Norman jiggled her hands up and down, whispering they looked like melons.

As well, chants of “94 seats” began drifting from ministering officers and government buildings around the capital and some senior advisers behind the PM were seen embracing in the belief that their boss might finally one day be remembered for something more than being in office for a record term yet achieving fuck-all.

When the bright pink testicles each reached the size if not quite the shape of a Sherrin Aussie rules ball, someone yelled: “Fuck! I think they are going to blow” and they did soon after, covering most of those present in testicular tissue.

But not before a huge number of additional flying pigs stopped overhead, turning the entire Parliamentary precinct into darkness, and making the snappers’ work almost impossible.

After Mr Albanese was rushed to The Rudd-Gillard-Rudd Private Hospital for Labor Leaders Who Proved a Big Disappointment in Office, gallery members rushed forward to see what the unfinished section of Albanese’s speech entailed.

These included promises to immediately boot the Israeli ambassador out of the country, sack Jillian Segal as special envoy for calling any criticism of Israel anti-semitism, cancel any Australian-made parts for Israeli fighter jets, demand the immediate arrest of Benjamin Netanyahu and all of his Zionist cabinet for war crimes, ban all sports betting ads regardless of the platform they use, make all the country’s poker machines return to having only the one-cent option and just nine buttons, calling for both himself and Foreign Minister Penny Wong to book Specsavers appointments to ensure they’ll be able to see things happening a long way away more clearly, such as genocides and a two-state solution that’s never going to happen, and announce Richard Marles’ immediate appointment as ambassador to Antarctica.

The scribes had to use their mobile phone torches to read those promises, because even more flying pigs had stopped overhead, turning the entire ACT into midnight and all snorting merrily and shitting on all those below.

“It’s probably just as well Albo’s balls blew apart when they did,” Nine’s national political editor Andrew Probyn said, his pill-pocketed face lit up quite spookily by his phone light, “if he had read his entire speech, there surely would have been fatalities.”

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