WASHINGTON DC: A replacement has been announced for the Trump White House’s departing presidential press secretary, Karoline Leavitt.

Ms Leavitt (below) announced recently that she was quitting the job she has held since the start of President Donald Trump’s second term to spend more time with her satanic spawn.

The White House has revealed she will be replaced by an AI-powered humanoid robot developed and provided at no cost by a consortium of President Trump’s friendly infotech billionaires.

“The new Lie-Matic 3000 (main picture) is a real tech miracle,” a White House spokesperson said. “In a split second it can process questions – up to hundreds at a time in fact – and answer them with blatant lies in a completely human-sounding yet synthetic voice that just goes on and on and on and on.

“It is programmed to spew out lie after lie with venom and often physically intimidating malice, so it’s the perfect replacement for Karoline.

“It impressed the President so much that he has ordered a fleet of them (main picture) which he plans to program with his own voice and send around the 50 states to deliver long and rambling lie-filled speeches at MAGA rallies in the lead-up to the November mid-term elections, if he decides to hold them,” the spokesperson said.

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The NRL says both Queensland and NSW have decided on replacements for Laurie Daly and Billy Slater who recently quit as head coaches for their respective State of Origin teams.

“Both NSW and Queensland have found it very difficult to find replacements for Laurie and Billy,” an NRL spokesperson said.

“But NSW has decided to engage supercoach Wayne Bennett, (below) currently with the South Sydney Rabbitohs, as their Origin coach.

“Queensland has also decided to engage supercoach Wayne Bennett, currently with the South Sydney Rabbitohs, as their Origin coach.

“Both states, as well as Wayne himself, see no problem with coaching both sides, after all at age 103 he may be a bit long in the tooth, but he is a supercoach and very professional,” the NRL spokesperson said.

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General manager of the Brisbane Bolts, Terry Verandah, (below) says he is “shocked and disappointed” by the Victorian Police investigation into an alleged sexual assault incident at the team’s Melbourne hotel at the weekend.

The investigation was launched following a complaint to police about the alleged incident at the hotel after the Bolts’ win over the Coburg Coke Snorters at the Durex Ribbed for Your Pleasure Stadium.

Mr Verandah, who fronted the media after news of the incident broke, told reporters: “Yeah, I am very shocked and very disappointed… very shocked and very disappointed that this incident has become public knowledge.

“Usually me, the boys, and the cops can manage to keep a lid on these things.”

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