Marles settles war jitters

CANBERRA: Deputy Prime Minister and Defence Minister, Richard Marles, (main picture) says nobody should panic at the news that a new parliamentary inquiry is set to examine if Australia is ready and able to fight a war.

A committee of federal MPs has been tasked to investigate how Australia could prepare for the impacts of war, and how businesses and the wider community could contribute to any national defence effort by keeping essential goods flowing and vital services operating if a military crisis broke out.

Speaking at length prior to his remarks being translated for reporters by an interpreter who managed to stay awake, Mr Marles said the Albanese Government was not signalling that it believed a war was inevitable.

“These are issues we need to address but there is no immediate threat to our nation,” he said. “The government will underline that position by giving the committee adequate time to undertake its investigations and to prepare a report for tabling in the parliament.

“We think it’s logical to tie that timeline to the delivery of essential new military hardware we are acquiring through the AUKUS pact, so I wouldn’t expect the committee to hand me its report until around 2038, or even in the early 2040s,” Mr Marles said.

***

TEL AVIV: Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, is preparing to send federal Labor MP Ed Husic a personal get-well message following the former Albanese cabinet minister’s involvement in a car crash in Sydney on Tuesday. (below)

“I know Mr Husic and I have different views on a range of issue regarding the Middle East, especially the ongoing efforts by radical Palestinians terrorists, even down to newborns, who deliberately throw themselves in front of Israeli Defence Force bullets or bombs and missiles in Gaza,” Mr Netanyahu said.

“But I am still pleased to write a personal message and have the IDF deliver it to Mr Husic as soon as possible.” (below)

***

WASHINGTON DC: The White House has confirmed that President Trump personally directed changes to the design of the new helipad being installed in the grounds of his official residence to accommodate a new and heavier Marine One helicopter.

Presidential press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, defended the new design at a media briefing for White House reporters.

“If any of you care to take even a brief look at the design (below) you’ll see for yourselves that the helipad the President has approved – which he can because it’s his house in perpetuity, look it up – is pretty much exactly the same design as the ones used by past presidents such as Lincoln and even going back to George Washington,” Ms Leavitt said.

“But as usual, you subhuman, communist lowlifes and reptiles in the fake media are trying to suggest the President has done something wrong.

“It’s this sort of reporting that helps divide our nation and raise the temperature on public debate.

“You should all be shot on sight because such an act will attract a presidential pardon and a gift-pack of Trump Foundation merchandise, I can guarantee it,” she said.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com