BRISBANE: The Queensland Police Union (QPU) has revealed it will seek new powers on top of its latest bid to secure the right to perform DNA tests on suspects under the age of 17 without a court order.

The state’s LNP government is considering the bid in the context of its campaign against youth crime as well as an additional request just revealed by the union.

A QPU spokesperson said the new DNA testing powers were just one of a suite of extra powers the union was seeking.

“The next step is for the government to approve our request for the power to arrest and detain newborns for a suitable period so that they are prevented from falling into criminal or anti-social behaviour patterns,” the spokesperson said. “We think a period of, say, 16 or 17 years might just do it.

“Of course parents would have visiting rights so they can maintain contact with their offspring, and the children themselves would go to schools behind prison walls.

“Eventually schools themselves can be fenced or walled off to double as jails, which will save a lot of taxpayer funds.

“We’ll be seeking to use these new powers without conditions attached like a warrant which is really just pesky red tape.

“In this way we hope to reduce youth offences to zero within a very short time,” the spokesperson said.

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WASHINGTON DC: President Donald Trump has personally intervened to apologise for the US State Department’s embarrassing error last week when it used a badly labelled map at a world AIDS conference in Brazil.

The map (below) mislabelled African nations by locating them in totally wrong positions on the continent.

While Secretary of State, Marco Rubio, has not commented on the incident, President Trump did make an uncharacteristically contrite statement during an Oval Office news conference.

“I want to say sorry to all the shithole nations we might have upset with our map,” he said. “But it’s an easy mistake to make.

“I mean who the hell really knows where countries like Nigeria and Niger are? Am I right?” Mr Trump said while seemingly deliberately mispronouncing both names to include racial epithets.

“I mean only this morning I learned where Iran was after Marco gave me a map and I’ve been bombing the place for months now. So everyone can make a little mistake now and then,” he said.

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ATLANTA: The governing body for soccer in America, US Soccer, says it will back a new dark-horse candidate for the presidency of FIFA in the wake of moves to block the re-election of the controversial incumbent, Gianni Infantino.

“We have been discussing the coming election with interested stakeholders, and we’ve decided to back the previously little-known European soccer official Tino Infangianni (below),” a US Soccer spokesperson said.

“Mr Infangianni has apparently impressed some very important people in the soccer world, especially some important people in Miami and Washington DC, apparently.

“We’ve received the very unmistakable message that US Soccer should put its votes behind him and that we should convince – and I quote – ‘all shithole nations’ to do the same, especially places like Nigeria and Niger which I’m assured is the way to pronounce those two,” the spokesperson said after including racial epithets in the two names.

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