EDITOR’S NOTE: This newsflash was held over from Friday afternoon as we sought advice from our retained legal experts who share our view that we would abhor … nay, be personally horrified and disappointed … by any suggestion that we in any way would disparage the diligent, professional, fair and balanced learned approach by honorable jurists hearing stages of our columnist’s stupid and irrational judicial journey.

Here’s some great news for all of youse BUGers out there: My almost lifetime lack of faith in Queensland’s judicial system – any law system really – remains untarnished after my attendance at a District Court appeals determination in the city this afternoon.

That’s right! District Court Acting Judge Haddricke …. sorry Haddrick – has quickly dismissed my appeal against a Magistrates Court traffic conviction, keeping my opinion resiliently strong that the law is for the rich and not the poor; for those in power not for the powerless; for the living over the dead.

They are views I already held strongly even before my years as a court reporter for The Courier-Mail strengthened and cemented them.

It’s true that the 109 days it took for the learned judge to finally dismiss my appeal provided a very faint hope that my arguments might have carried some weight with the learned jurist and that, just maybe, I had at least a schoolie’s chance of lasting more than 10 seconds at end of Year 12 celebrations of winning this thing.

I wore the same outfit today as I did for the appeal on April 13 and I hope His Honour would see that as my determination to see justice done in this matter regardless of how I was dressed, although to be fair, I don’t think that bothered him at all, which is, of course, the way it should always be! In an earlier, unenlightened age, I have been chipped by magistrates for the clothes I wore and for asking to read an affirmation with real consequences for not telling the truth, rather than to sprout lies on a bible to a magic sky daddy I have never believed in.

Today’s ruling also means that the draft cover for my upcoming book, The Law is a Complete Arse, will not have to be changed. Well, not yet anyway.

In coming days, I will share, depending on the advice from those defo legal silks on retainer, my views on Acting District Court Judge Haddricke’s … sorry, Haddrick’s … arguments in dismissing my notice of appeal. But here’s a taste that I hope passes muster and legal scrutiny. Here’s the top lines from page 6 of his judgement.

Readers will remember from my infantile first attempt at my notice of appeal that I had a terrible time getting the titles right for the contest ahead. It took a while but I finally worked out that come the District Court hearing, I would definitely be the appellant on behalf of myself and the well-dressed bloke at the other end of the bar table would be counsel for the respondent, Acting Police Commissioner Brett Pointing, on behalf of King Charles 3 of Australia.

As you can see by Acting District Court judge Haddricke’s … sorry Haddrick’s – wording above and let’s run it again here…

…. I firmly believe we can all hope that our police commissioner can show strength of leadership and bring his police force into its thin blue line, putting an abrupt end to their subversive and disruptive behaviour!

One final example of the serous lack of legalise clearly on show when you only have a bush lawyer’s certificate you’ve awarded yourself. Shuffled up to the court clerk just before 3pm to make sure I had the correct courtroom this time round and told him I was the applicant! Applicant! Appellant! Maybe I should have called this whole thing off!

Or taken the advice of some the Bug staff who reckoned I should have cast myself as the repellent. Probably a more apt description in the minds of the king’s men.

Don Gordon-Brown

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!