Ever wondered why it’s still bloody cold and seemingly getting worse even though the shortest day of the year in Australia was more than five weeks ago! We at The Bug have wondered that for decades without getting a sensible or believable answer! Still, enough of that. If we have to endure another month of winter, the world’s greatest soothsayer ever will keep us all safe if we do decide to venture outside.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

On a brisk walk past a nearby footy field you hear the coach of the local under-12 footy team tells players to hit the showers after which he will run an information session in the club house on what neck tattoos they might consider getting.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

Your concern grows when the assistant coach chimes in and tells players he’s organising an after-practice information session for the following week on how not to get ripped off when buying cocaine.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You remain chuffed by your recent Order of Australia gong for being the first citizen in the nation to not only realise you’ve picked up the wrong item at your local supermarket but actually backtrack five aisles to replace the item in its original place.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You are still considering legal action after your local Woolies fines you $25, added to your checkout, for using Coles carry bags.  

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

Your worst fears about the rebranding of the far-right Murdoch media’s Sky News to News24 are confirmed when one of its stars, Peter Stefanovic, declares: “We will still be doing the journalism that we are famous for.”

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You faint in the reception room of a city medical practice and are unconscious for several minutes when the specialist you are there to see calls you into their consulting room several minutes before your actual appointment time.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

After rousing from your faint your specialist agrees to your plan to personally foot the bill for the installation of a plaque on the waiting room wall to mark the historic event.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You believed a poultry industry leader’s claim that even if the latest bird flu strain spread to producers’ farms their eggs and chickens would be safe to eat, yet as you open a carton of eggs from the fridge, a few of them cough.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Checking the brushed spuds at your local supermarket, you suspect Australia’s agricultural lands might last a bit longer if they were scrubbed just a little bit more.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You wonder why Kamala Harris is yet to make up her mind about her chances of winning the US Democratic Party’s presidential nomination for the 2028 election and her odds of taking the White House when just about everyone else has.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

Nurses at your local hospital say you are recovering well from shock after being able to open one of those flimsy plastic bag at the fruit and vegetable section at your local Coles at the very first attempt.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You lie awake at night wondering if it’s true that the owners of ALDI finally went with the slogan GOOD DIFFERENT because the only other suggestion from their creative advertising agency was BAD THE SAME.

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