MEDIA AWARDS:

BRISBANE: Internal fights erupted this morning among judges of The Bug‘s Arselicker of the Month (ALOTM) Award presented to the journalist or alleged journalist assessed as doing the most to promote the interest of their favoured political party or that of their outlet’s proprietor.

The brawls over eligibility criteria for the ALOTM gong and another fight over a suggestion for an entirely new award broke out soon after judges assembled for their weekly breakfast meeting in the 34th floor boardroom of The Bug‘s Brisbane headquarters.

The weekly meetings are held to draft a shortlist of potential winners after judges cull the vast number of potential ALOTM finalists nominated over the previous seven days by The Bug’s Media Glass House research teams and members of the public.

The judges – whose identities are always protected due to previous incidents involving death and kidnapping threats – argued vehemently over one entry that had garnered hundreds of nominations.

“The Saturday 11 July column by veteran right-wing commentator Des Houghton in the right-wing Murdoch family’s right-wing publication, The Courier-Mail, (main picture) appeared repeatedly in the list of nominations received so far this month,” one judge said on condition of anonymity.

“The column gave a glowing account of the Queensland Liberal National Party’s recent state conference held in Brisbane including ‘masterful’ speeches by Premier David Crisafulli and former PM John Howard.

“The panel split when one judge questioned the credentials of Mr Houghton, arguing that the Courier commentator should be classified as an LNP stenographer and therefore ineligible for the monthly award.

“However, Mr Houghton was duly incorporated in the July shortlist after other judges pointed to the fact that they had involuntarily vomited as they read the 11 July column presented to them for their assessment.

“This reaction, they argued, should override any concerns about the validity of Mr Houghton’s eligibility,” the anonymous judge said.

After that issue was apparently settled, a further argument broke out when another judging panel member raised the prospect of instituting a new monthly award – The Bug‘s No Shit Sherlock Award.

“They suggested the new award should be created to recognise public figures whose comments in the media reflect a fact that is already obvious to any member of the public who follows even vaguely public affairs,” the anonymous judge said.

“They cited recent comments made to a crowdfunded public inquiry by former federal defence minister Christopher Pyne (below) suggesting that nuclear submarines to be supplied to the Royal Australian Navy under the AUKUS pact will not be delivered on time.

“While most of the panel agreed that Pyne’s comments would fit perfectly with any such award, most expressed concern about the plethora of awards already handed out by The Bug and queried what value they returned to the publication.

“In the end we did all agree on the need for an audit of all such awards and voted unanimously to engage one of the ‘big four’ consulting firms – PwC, Deloitte, KPMG, or Ernst & Young – to count the number of such awards at the cost of around $450,000 to $480,000,” the judge said.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!