The column that has fun with the smaller mistakes and missteps of Australia’s mainstream mediocre; that pays homage to those sweet little fishes that individually don’t amount to a full meal but collectively can cause a tummy upset over the overall state of the once great and noble craft of journalism in this country.

Let’s not horse around here. The bitter, washed-up, grand-champion hacks who compile this column freely admit they are heart-broken! But they are still riding high and proud in the saddle because broken things can be fixed. Stopped heart are a different matter altogether.

So what has caused this state of stirrupy sadness? They say pride comes before a fall but they really did believe that months of pisstaking of Nine News Queensland over the over-use – neigh, just use – of “heart-stopping” the men and women up at the mountain had finally gotten the message.

Our column compilers hadn’t spotted a “heart-stopping” for quite some times since we trotted out the latest column below and they really thought newsreaders Melissa Downes and Joel Dry had finally cottoned onto what we’ve getting at. A lesson well taught then and we won’t have to nag them any more?

Then came Thursday’s 6pm bulletin when the night’s mayne stories were being introduced by Joel Dry: See the heart-stopping moment a horse gallops into oncoming traffic!”

Co-reader Melissa Downes took up the reins just before the first ad break: “Runaway ride. See the heart-stopping moments a horse gallops into oncoming traffic.” That’s really taking the whip to us, isn’t it?

But the return of “heart-stopping” will not stop us in our tracks. And, besides, what was with the “TERRIFYING TROT” business?

Our compilers watched the video over and over again and that horse was not trotting. What trot! they all shouted, some so loudly they became horse.

We know Nine News Queensland’s graphic artists love alliteration, but what would have been wrong with “NAUGHTY NAG” or “NAUGHTY NEDDY” or even “SADDLELESS SOJOURN”! Too lame? Why didn’t they use “RUNAWAY RIDE” as mentioned by Melissa. That’s clever. Got some of your ideas out there?

On Thursday night, what made our compilers feel a bit better when the story finally aired, Joel didn’t get heart-stopped at all. So no other criticisms of the report then? Not quite. Joel sped out of the gaits with this: ”Despite travelling at incredible speeds, all drivers managed to steer out of the way..” Steer! Wasn’t this about a horse?

Our team actually saw the videos of what that horse was doing so they thought it was totally believable, but if that nag was trotting, it could probably clean up at the Magic Millions by the length of the straight.

Now, just for interest, the MB crew took in last night’s (Friday’s) bulletin as well. This time round, Joel wasn’t heart-stopped once more, introducing a yarn on a truck rear-ending a sedan as “shocking” dash-cam vision of a highway crash, the scene “horrifying” onlookers. At least shocks are good after a heart stops.

So, not so bad then? But wait, Joel in a pre-bulletin plug on Tipping Point did call the crash a …..weight for it – “heart-stopping” moment. BUGger! Hurdles are hard to clear some times.

So let’s be clear ourselves! MB will not be muzzled in its bid to erase rampant hyperbole in our MSM news outlets and especially the Nine News network; our commitment to this cause will not wither away, we will keep the bit between our teeth and give this issue correct weight until we salute the judges, having finally found success in passing on our own sincerely held but probably outdated ideas of quality journalism!

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!