WASHINGTON: Scientists have confirmed a direct link between President Donald Trump and an outbreak of explosive diarrhoea across the USA.

Almost 3,000 cases of watery diarrhoea have been reported across 31 US states in recent weeks. (below)

The Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said it was investigating the upsurge in cases of cyclosporiasis, a gastrointestinal condition which until now was thought to be a form of food poisoning caused by the microscopic Cyclospora cayetanensis parasite.

But a CDC spokesperson said scientists had begun to revise their previous thinking about the origins of the outbreaks.

“Reports that thousands of Americans are experiencing their own personal brown tornadoes prompted our researchers to take a second look at the link between their condition and the Cyclospora cayetanensis parasite,” the spokesperson said. “What they have found so far turns the previous thinking on its head.

“Certainly the cause of all these anal avalanches is due to a parasite, but not Cyclospora cayetanensis.

“Our research shows that the parasite in question is actually President Donald Trump (main picture) and these ongoing butt volcanoes follow his administration’s decision last year to slash federal funding to health departments at the state and local levels for programs aimed at reducing foodborne illnesses.

“Unfortunately we expect to see possibly thousands or tens, and even hundreds of thousands of cases of chocolate fountains across the US in coming weeks, but not the good kind,” the CDC spokesperson said.

Speaking before hosting a fundraising roadkill barbecue for Republican Party candidates in California, US Health Secretary, Robert F Kennedy Junior, (below) said any connection between the outbreaks and the White House was concerning.

“In light of that I have ordered a top-level investigation into the alleged link between the outbreaks and the Biden administration,” he said.

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