THE AFTERLIFE:

HEAVEN: God has confirmed that US Republican Party lawmaker and lawbreaker enabler, Senator Lindsey Graham, (inset and inserted in main picture) is most likely heading to Hell after dying suddenly at the weekend.

The 71-year-old South Carolina politician who has served four six-year Senate terms and was standing for re-election in November, reportedly died from a heart condition which political observers say could have been aggravated by long-term oxygen deprivation caused by inserting himself so far up US President Donald Trump’s flabby diaper-swaddled incontinent arse so eagerly and so often.

“Lindsey Graham was a vocal opponent of Trump before the 2016 election, became a cowardly, nutless, sycophantic, arselicking supporter once Trump won the White House, fell out with the then-outgoing President when Trump tried to overturn the American democratic system in January 2025 with the Capitol insurrection, then failed to vote for the President’s impeachment, and once again eagerly performed the role of human enema for Trump since the 2024 election,” one observer said.

“To say he was a gutless, unprincipled, hypocritical weasel would be doing a grave disservice to gutless, unprincipled, hypocritical weasels.”

God Almighty (below) told a news conference that the late Senator Graham had not arrived in Heaven and had most likely gone straight to Hell.

“Like all far-right politicians who claim to be men or women of faith, the late Senator Graham traded on having a special relationship with me,” she said.

“But I can tell you, that just like a lot so-called ‘Christians’ in the religious political right who make the same claim, I’ve never spoken to him.”

The All-Seeing Supreme Being said she had never expected to see Senator Graham arrive in Heaven once he died.

“In fact the same goes for all of the self-serving, lying, cheating, hypocritical allegedly ‘Christian’ far-right wackos in the MAGA movement,” she said. “So far not one of them who’s died has ever crossed the Pearly Gates threshold, and I really don’t expect that to change.

“Just like all of them, Senator Graham simply didn’t meet the criteria we set for admission to Heaven.

“I mean he may have supported Ukraine against Russia in their war but he didn’t shift the dial on that as far as the Putin-loving Trump goes, plus Bibi Netanyahu has declared him a great friend and supporter of his genocidal government, so enough said.

“I can confidently say he is most likely way down below, as we refer to the Netherworld. But you should contact Hell and confirm that for yourself,” God told reporters.

The Bug attempted to contact the Devil (below) but a spokesperson for Mr Beelzebub said they had so far not seen Senator Graham but would be issuing a statement later today.

“His Satanic Majesty is actually run off his hooves at the moment, and I just haven’t been able to pin him down for comment,” the spokesperson said.

“He’s trying to sort out a bit of a confusion here in Hell. We heard that an important US Senator was on their way here and were expecting Mitch McConnell. (below) But he didn’t turn up and we’re just waiting for Senator Graham to appear.

“That’s not unusual. People always say someone goes straight to Hell when they die, but it can take a while to get through the paperwork,” the spokesperson for the Dark Lord said.

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