MELBOURNE: Telstra CEO, Vicki Brady, says the telco will take the opportunity of this week’s massive network outage to formalise a change of name and branding for the national communications corporation.

Ms Brady had been on holidays overseas when the network collapsed on Wednesday but returned to Australia today.

At an airport news conference she revealed that the new name and logo as Fucking Telstra.

“The change of name and new logo will be rolled out in coming months, starting with our national headquarters in Melbourne,” Ms Brady said. (main picture)

“Essentially it reflects the view that the Australian public, especially Telstra customers, have had about us for decades and this week’s outage is the ideal opportunity to formalise and cement the new name and image in people’s minds,” she said.

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LONDON: The British Labour Party has suspended the process to pick a new leader and prime minister to replace Sir Keir Starmer.

A source within 10 Downing Street said the decision had been prompted by the decision by Reform UK Party leader, Nigel Farage, to quit parliament and recontest the resultant by-election in a bid to fight allegations of corruption.

“Although Labour and other major parties are boycotting the by-election, we think there’s a good chance that Count Binface (below) might just pull off a surprise win in the Clacton by-election.

“We were all working on the assumption that Andy Burnham would be unopposed as our new Labour leader and PM, but we now reckon we should wait to see the Clacton result and if it goes against Farage we should invite Count Binface to join Labour and run against Andy.

“Many of us here at Number 10 reckon his policies such as abolishing the House of Lords, banning the use of speakerphones in public and eating noisy snacks in cinemas, and renaming London Bridge as “Phoebe Waller-Bridge” after the English actress could get him over the line with voters,” the Downing Street source said.

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WASHINGTON DC: US President Donald Trump says the resumption of hostilities between America and Iran should guarantee his selection as the 2026 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.

At a White House news conference, Mr Trump rejected suggestions from reporters that his chances at securing the Peace Prize had diminished since the apparent end of the ceasefire deal between the two nations.

“The latest bombing of Iran by the US actually strengthens my chances of a Nobel Peace Prize because this war has already stopped and started about six or seven times,” he said.

“The resumed fighting will inevitably end, and that will mean I have stopped the war with Iran about seven or eight times.

“When you add those to the eight other wars I stopped after returning to the White House last year, that means I will have ended 16 or 17 wars which should see me take out the 2026 Peace Prize unless the prize is stolen from me by a rigged Nobel Committee voting system,” he said.

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