The following advice from the world’s greatest soothsayer won’t concern Queenslanders who don’t venture outside once the temperature drops below 20degC but for you southerners who love to don your black overcoats, gloves and beanies and head out for an overpriced and watery pasta dish or a largely tasteless rissoto at some alleged Italian restaurant, here’s Kisma Aryias to keep you safe and sound while you do that.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You are finding it harder and harder to resist the entreaties of your fellow star signs for you to form a close, nay intimate yet short-lived, bond with US President Donald Trump or at least one of his vital organs.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You sadly suffer from writer’s block at that very moment you’re about to nail the perfect punchline to the joke you’ve been working on about when Karl Stefanovic, Kyle Sandilands and Dave Hughes walk into a bar…

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

Your heart goes out to Tony Abbott when you hear he’s in hospital facing surgery after trying to remedy a haemorrhoids flareup by inserting a repository.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You surf the net and stumble upon what you believe to be a video showing a clunky and stilted effort from the early days of artificial intelligence depicting a man engaging in conversation with a woman, only to discover it’s a scene from Australian actor Bryan Brown’s latest film.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You really do wonder who writes Angus Taylor’s material when you hear the current federal opposition leader explain worsening polls for the coalition and rumours of internal disquiet about his performance with the argument that you can’t turn a tanker around in just a few months.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You write to the International Bureau of Weights and Measures suggesting it implements a new unit of time – shorter than a month but longer than a week – based on how long it takes for ABC TV to repeat the same episode of Would I Lie to You and QI.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You’ve always considered yourself quite an unlucky person and this is confirmed when you win tickets to a stand-up gig from Dave Hughes.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted laneway late at night and carrying a 3.5kg Duncan and Fernley cricket bat you see, appearing out of the gloom and walking towards you, the old retired Nine Network executive who two decades ago thought that Karl Stefanovic had the charisma, personality, charm, decency and quick-minded skills to become a much-loved television personality.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You think the organisers of the Logie Awards are grasping at straws to maintain viewer interest in the event by introducing a new category for 2026 – best road rager in dashcam footage.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You hear “moderate” Liberal Amanda Vanstone getting stuck into Pauline Hanson and wonder if she’s trying to do a Malcolm Fraser by becoming quite a decent stick long after her political career has ended. One of those rare transformations from cunt to caring person. Maybe, but she hasn’t been found yet wandering around a US city with her pants missing or resigning from the Liberals because it’s simply not the decent, inclusive, progressive party it used to claim it was. What was there not to like about Fraser once he did both those things?

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You read a Roy Morgan poll that has Pauline Hanson’s One Nation with a primary vote in the 40s and suspect that polling company should really stop concentrating their interviews with people who live in and around Gympie, Queensland, and who love nothing more than to sit on porches duelling with their banjo.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 2

You really do stare wide-eyed at your bedroom ceiling for most of the night after receiving a call from Kyle Sandilands asking how many strokes it takes you to reach orgasm while masturbating, how many times you spurt, what’s your choice of lotion, do you use one or two hands and do you stick something in your arse to help things along. It doesn’t help matters when he explains he’s building up topics for an exciting new radio show he’s working on, nor the fact that he doesn’t even cotton on from your voice that you’re female.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!