The column that has fun with the smaller mistakes and missteps of Australia’s mainstream mediocre; that pays homage to those sweet little fishes that individually don’t amount to a full meal but collectively can cause a tummy upset over the overall state of the once great and noble craft of journalism in this country.

Most if not all of the 23 compilers who bring this popular media column to you have friends or relatives in Great Britain so they were mightily alarmed on Tuesday night to hear that the UK was in turmoil.

Who told them this? Nine News Queensland 6pm newsreader Joel Dry broke the horror news, not in the bulletin itself but just before while doing a voiceover promo during Tipping Point.

Our compilers all grabbed a fresh Bundy rum and coke pint because, while they might all be bitter and twisted, washed-up hacks, they have enough brain cells left from their working days in the fourth estate to remember that turmoil was a noun that ….. well … they’ll let this image explain its meaning.

You can now see why they were both beside themselves and the work beer fridge. What has happened to The Old Dart for it to be in a state of extreme confusion, disorder or disturbance?

Has Scotland voted overnight to leave the UK, leaving the British flag looking like this?

Has King Charles abdicated due to bad health and with none of his seven potential successors wishing to take the throne, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor as eighth-in-line will shortly become King Randy-Andy the First?

Amazon Prime Video has announced a new season of Clarkson’s Farm?

But wait! In another Tipping Point pointer, Joel Dry narrowed down to the field to “Britain in political turmoil”.

Has Boris Johnson worked out some constitutional loophole by which he can return to Number 10 without being a member of the House of Commons? Has Nigel Farage not been killed in a tragic hit and run?

Some minutes later, “Britain in political turmoil” are again the words Joel Dry uses at the start of the 6pm bulletin to tout the major news items to come.

But seven minutes past 6pm, the turmoil has disappeared and Joel introduces his London reporter’s piece with “Britain is facing another shakeup as Sir Keir Starmer quits as prime minister…”

Now shakeup is a far better word that turmoil, the latter shamelessly written by some non-journalist whose job is to lure Tipping Pont fans clutchng their Toddy dolls to stick with Nine a bit longer. We’ve called this use of totally wrong words a form of click baiting until we come up with a better description.

British politics is not in turmoil. A PM with the charisma of a squashed cane toad on the Bruce Highway and the marketing and salesmanship skills of Peter Dutton resigns after losing the support of his colleagues and some bloke called The King of the North looks like his ascension to the top job will be a coronation rather than a messy competition. Considering this new chap will be the seventh PM in less than a decade, what is happening now seems very mild and completely understandable. Almost unpolitics like.

As Mediocre Bytes and its more senior sibling Media Glass House have said countless times over the journey, The Bug would love a dollar for every time those two columns have depicted Joel Dry and Melissa Downes thinking they really need to get paid more for the unprofessional, non-journalistic shit they are often forced to read out.

Sorry, Melissa, you were also thinking?

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