COURTS:

The Bug‘s finance and investment columnist, Morrie Bezzle, has revealed his role in Australia’s proposed acquisition of second-hand nuclear submarines under the AUKUS pact.

Mr Bezzle, (left in main picture) who was conducting his own prosecution, appeared this morning in the Brisbane Magistrates Court where he was facing a range of charges under consumer laws.

Police prosecutor, Senior Sergeant Lewis Sirterry, said Mr Bezzle had been arrested and charged after police investigated hundreds of complaints from disgruntled NRL fans.

“These fans had paid for tickets Mr Bezzle had advertised in a series of radio advertisements that guaranteed them ‘lifetime entry to any State of Oregon game’, ” Senior Sergeant Sirterry said.

Magistrate Madge E Strait rejected Mr Bezzle’s defence, notably his plea that those who bought the tickets were well aware of the terms and conditions of their purchase that had been included at the end of the radio ads.

Her Honour noted that the T&Cs had been spoken at approximately 620 words per minute before finding Mr Bezzle guilty.

Mr Bezzle sought to provide Judge Strait evidence of his good character and in doing so revealed his role in the AUKUS deal.

“I’d like to submit You Horror [sic] evidence of my commitment to this great nation, namely the services I have provided to the Royal Australian Navy (RAN) in its efforts to obtain a new fleet of nuclear-powered subs to protect our wide brown land,” he said.

Mr Bezzle went on to explain how he had contacted the RAN to advise them he could help in the acquisition of new subs under the AUKUS deal.

“I told them I had a good mate in the UK – a fellow called Arthur Daley – (right in main picture) who could get his hands on just about anything and at a good price too,” he explained.

“Arthur has forgotten more than most people have ever known about buying and selling second-hand goods, so he was a natural to source a submarine or two for the RAN.

“The navy chaps were ever so grateful. They said they had never dealt with anyone like me before and were very quick to take up my offer to have Arthur do a deal, which he has since done.

“As a result I have been kept on as special adviser to the RAN on the AUKUS deal which I can testify is going to be a good little earner for me and Arthur… oh, and of course Australia,” he said.

Judge Strait adjourned proceedings saying she needed to consider several factors before passing judgement.

“Most importantly I need to clarify if I can deliver a verdict that says Mr Bezzle is not just guilty, but guilty as hell,” she said, adding: “Of course it’ll most likely be in Latin.”

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