GENEVA: The World Health Organisation (WHO) says it has identified the cause of a huge spike in patients around the world seeking psychological support and advice.

A WHO spokesperson said the UN body had analysed reports that had flooded into its Swiss headquarters overnight about massive queues of people seeking emotional and mental health advice outside clinics around the world. (main picture)

“We’ve had feedback from practitioners in some nations who all tell us the same thing,” the spokesperson said.

“Apparently the queues are of people who find that they agree with US President Donald Trump’s reported assessment of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin  Netanyahu, namely: ‘You’re fucking crazy…. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this.’

“People who otherwise simply detest Trump find themselves massively conflicted and uncertain after being forced to acknowledge that what he told Bibi in their phone call about Israel’s incursion into Lebanon and Beirut is true.

“We can only urge people to remain calm, continue to queue if you feel the need for professional support, and we ask the doctors or psychologists concerned to deal with these people as swiftly as possible,” the spokesperson said.

***

SYDNEY: One of the instigators of the AUKUS pact, former prime minister Scott Morrison, has entered the submarine debate by launching a broadside at the Albanese Labor Government.

Speaking to reporters from the pulpit of a Pentecostal church in Sydney (below), Mr Morrison said: “The Labor Party needs to get its act together very quickly and ensure we get new subs as soon as possible and at a reasonable price.

“If necessary we as a nation should be looking elsewhere other than the US to purchase new subs.

“I understand that there are companies based in France that are more than capable of delivering cheaper non-nuclear submarines to the Royal Australian Navy so it would be grossly negligent of Prime Minister Albanese if he didn’t start talking to them.”

When reporters reminded Mr Morison of his role in scrapping a submarine deal with France, Mr Morrison responded by speaking in tongues and walking swiftly backwards out of the church and into his car, before driving away at high speed.

***

BRISBANE: The Bug‘s finance and investment columnist, Morrie Bezzle, has been arrested and charged overnight with offences under health and consumer protection laws.

A Queensland Police Service spokesperson Mr Bezzle (below) would appear in court today following an investigation sparked by consumer complaints.

“Police received dozens of complaints after consumers had purchased prophylactic personal health goods, namely condoms, from Mr Bezzle through online mail-order advertisements,” the spokesperson said.

“The goods supplied did not meet standards imposed by relevant health laws nor did they comply with advertising standards, namely product descriptions, under the Fair Trading Act and as a result Mr Bezzle was located, arrested, and charged.”

When contacted Mr Bezzle said he was confident of being cleared of the charges ranged against him.

“I’ve already been clipping the current plethora of news stories about the AUKUS subs deal which I’ll be using in my defence,” Mr Bezzle said.

“I’m very confident that any magistrate, judge, or jury will clear me once they hear my side of the story about my ad campaign for cut-price, in-service condoms.”

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com