THE LIBERAL PARTY:

CANBERRA: Liberal Party operatives are congratulating themselves this morning on the success of a pilot program road-testing a new source of revenue to fund the operations of the once dominant party following its devastating 2025 federal election loss and a subsequent erosion of its supporter and donor base.

“Today we launched a brand-new fundraising initiative that has worked far beyond our wildest dreams,” a source at the party’s federal secretariat said. “This is the start of whole new era in financing our great party’s operations and campaigns.”

The source said the new funding program involved scheduling Sunday morning bingo games at venues across Australia (main picture) whenever a Liberal MP or shadow minister appeared on the ABC TV political discussion program Insiders.

“We organised the nationwide pilot game this morning once we knew that our glorious and visionary leader Pauli… I mean Angus Hans… I mean Angus Taylor would be appearing on today’s Insiders,” the source said. (below)

“This enable branch members to buy special bingo cards with a range of responses that Pauli.. I mean Angus would be trying to squeeze in between interruptions by David Speers.

“They included lines complaining about the terrible Labor Government no matter what the topic, various different phrases scaring shit out of people about ‘mass migration’, the old faithful about not giving a running commentary on US President Donald Trump’s wild and bizarre statements or actions, and the various lines we have worked up for her.. I mean him to use when trying to explain why the Liberal Party is prioritising the preferencing of One Nation which may well help defeat our own candidate and give it the seat of Farrer at the coming by-election.

“Our branch members then ticked off the relevant dogwhistles… I mean the leader’s thoughtful responses on the card or cards they bought to enter the game with the chance of winning a very valuable collectors item – namely an iconic Back in Black coffee mug left over from the heady days of the 2019-2020 federal budget.

“From reports I’ve received from venues in all states and territories, the bingo game was a roaring success so we’ll definitely be repeating it when someone from the coalition again appears.”

The Liberal Party source said today’s bingo game attracted 47 players across the country but did not disclose the amount raised by today’s game, saying only: “There’s definitely enough for a couple of corflutes.”

When asked if more Liberal branch members across Australia may participate in future bingo games, the source look puzzled.

“More than 47? That’s all we’ve got,” they said.

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