The sweet smell of success

The Bug‘s resident sexologist answers your questions including some you didn’t even ask.

Dear Doctor Dick

Ever since I started splashing after-shave on my face as a young man trying to lure the ladies, I’ve been searching in vain for “my” scent – one that appeals to my sense of smell but also lets the opposite sex know what sort of guy I am. And, indeed, what we’re both clearly after!

For decades I’ve been using Old Spice and more recently switched to Brut 33 but now I’m on the lookout for something more “me”.

Any suggestions?

Col Own


Doctor Dick replies:

Dear Col

You are certainly in luck because this week I plan to launch my very own Doctor Dick line of men’s fragrance.

The secret is that they are inspired by and based on actual men’s fragrances – smells from actual men’s bodies. I’ve never had any idea why blokes think they are going to pull at their local pub smelling like a 18thCentury English fop.

For that reason, I’m very confident that for the little ladies out there looking for real love, my new line will be the ultimate phermonal experience.

My first product to be launched is Scrotum by Dick (main picture) which captures the real smell of a man’s sweaty dangly bits.

That first product in my range will soon be joined by others that will all project a very manly image and aroma.

I had originally wanted to use a different name, bottle design, and marketing campaign.

I had planned to market my new after-shave as Eeyore alongside a campaign to suggest it was just the scent for men who were hung like a donkey, another manly quality the little ladies are thinking of as they check out the options in their local pick-up joints.

But for some reason known only to those learned in the law, the international Dior cosmetics company took exception, and legal action.

Nevertheless,  I simply went in another direction and my new range hits the shelves soon. So watch out for it.


Dear Doctor Dick

I’ve heard for years from some of my mates who’ve been in and out of often tempestuous relationships a lot more than I have, that the best sex they’ve ever had is make-up sex.

I’ve always wanted to give it a go and the other day the opportunity arose.

But not long after I got started the staff at the Myer cosmetics department called the cops on me. Now I’m in a remand centre waiting to appear in court.

What the hell went wrong?

Max Factor


Doctor Dick replies:

Dear Max

I think that once your court case is over you need to stop taking what your mates say so literally.