Bolts iron out jersey crisis

Senior officials of the Brisbane Bolts say the club will field a full team of 43 players and 11 reserves despite a rumoured “revolt” about the wearing of special one-off jerseys for this weekend’s clash with the Perth Prostates.

Reports from within the club suggest several star players have been refusing to wear the jerseys designed by one of the team’s own players, left-run flurker Ari Gant. (main picture)

But acting chair of the Brisbane Bolts’ board of directors, Sir Lawrence Bolivia, said any unease among players about the jerseys had been addressed and would not prevent the match from going ahead at the R-I-P Off Funeral Insurance Stadium in Perth.

“The Bolts-versus-Prostates is a traditional grudge match on the annual JDG calendar in which players on both sides give their all, which as we all know usually results in a higher than average fatality list,” Sir Lawrence said.

“I have spoken to the boys who have expressed concerns about the jerseys and have offered them alternatives.”

Sir Lawrence acknowledged that the players refusing to wear the jerseys had in the past not worn any jersey or other clothing when taking the field.

“A lot of the boys prefer to play naked anyway so for them to refuse to wear a jersey is no big deal,” he said.

“They say it gives them an advantage especially when packing down into a sideline futtock, plus it makes for a much more exciting match for fans, leaving aside the numerous ‘errant ejaculation’ incidents at 2019’s game against the Adelaide Anuses and the court cases that followed launched by fans in the seats closest to the field.    

“We have always accommodated the preference for some of the boys for going starkers by using body paint to display their team number or sponsor logos. We can do the same on Saturday night so that shouldn’t be a problem.”

Modelling his personal jersey carrying his unique player number signifying the world-record BAC he recorded while on the 2015 JDG tour of Europe, Gant said he could not see any problem with its design.

“It’s a one-off design especially for the match as a form of tactical psychology against the Perth Prostates,” Gant explained.

“Given the higher than usual fatality rate for Brisbane-v-Perth games I thought I’d try to ‘psych out’ the Prostates with a jersey that makes no secret of what we intend to do with their bodies when we drag them off the field.

“Strictly speaking JDG rules do not explicitly outlaw necrophilia so it’s winner takes all in that regard until the rules are changed, and we intend to take full advantage of that on Thursday.

“I know a handful of the Bolts boys may not want to indulge in that sort of celebration for religious reasons but that shouldn’t stop the rest of us having a bit of fun before we formally hand the bodies over.”

When confronted by reporters after midnight following a lunch at an illegal brothel in inner Brisbane, the  long-serving CEO of the Brisbane Bolts, Terry Verandah, said the jersey controversy was “a fucking tea in a storm cup, or something like that”.

“You vomitus reptiles in the media should go fuck yourselves with a rabid penguin, and I can help in that regard,” he said while smashing a beer bottle against a wall and lunging with it at reporters.

“Now get out of my way you bleeding prolapsed arseholes. I have to go and buy some meth,” a clearly already intoxicated Verandah said before unlocking his car and sitting in the back seat searching for the steering wheel.

When contacted, head coach of the Bolts, Jack Saunders, dismissed concerns about players refusing to don the jerseys.

“It’s just a bit of high-jinks,” he said. “Just some good natured horseplay.”

The club’s honorary solicitor Dicky Shearman said his current parole conditions prevented him from commenting on the controversy.

DISCLAIMER: The Bug is a sponsor and supporter of the Brisbane Bolts.