God says no to backbench role


FEDERAL POLITICS:

Former Prime Minister Scott Morrison is not expected to return to Parliament after a lengthy past-midnight discussion overnight with his God and Master.

Mr Morrison said the conversation, held in tongues over almost an hour, had come only hours after he had tucked in his beautiful daughters and read them scriptures until the darlings finally fell asleep and after giving wife Jenny her nightly all-over body and back rub and neck and foot massage.

The former PM told The Bug this morning: “I use one of my favourite curry pastes instead of massage oil and Jen loves it! The heat drives her crazy actually.”

Mr Morrison then stayed awake for hours pondering his future. His subsequent conversation with his Maker had been a “wake-up call about my role in serving God” that is expected to lead to the former PM resigning his seat of Cook on Sydney’s southside later this week.

Mr Morrison told The Bug: “The Holy Spirit in His infinite wisdom told me simply: “Hi ya babba bubba seya forya ha ha ha oh yeah walla bubba me rudda bubba hiya see ya oh yeah bubba yubba ha ha pardon me boy is that the chattanogga choo choo.”

When The Bug’s reporter explained he did not know tongue-speak, Mr Morrison apologised immediately.

“Sorry,” he said. “The one true Lord and Master simply explained to me that a backbencher’s salary would not be anywhere near enough to prove my ongoing love of, and devotion to, Him.”

Mr Morrison said he was considering whether perhaps a world lecture tour on the satanic evils of governments all over the globe would provide the income needed to satisfy his Lord Jesus Christ.

If not, his visit to Margaret Court’s Victory Life Centre church in Perth recently (above) had shown the potential of the establishment of a number of Scott Morrison Ministry UpHillsong and DownDalesong churches around the country. As chief pastor he would accompany himself on ukulele, which he thought would really boost music CD sales at his daily performances, twice on Sundays and maybe a matinee on Saturdays as well.

“Naturally, I’d prefer to honour my promise to stay on in Cook and serve my local constituents who I love to bits but, honestly, do you know how much a backbencher gets?

“And can you see this new government giving me a drought envoy’s job for a few weeks to top things up a bit and really impress God as I’ve always wanted to do?”

When The Bug wished him well in whatever endeavours he now undertakes to show he really, truly, loves God, Mr Morrison said simply: “Um mau mau mau mau Um mau mau mau mau Goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob I am the eggman, they are the eggmen g’goo goo g’joob”.