The name’s Bond…Archbishop Bond

HOLLYWOOD: Producers of the James Bond movie franchise say they have found a replacement for Daniel Craig to play the famous 007 British secret agent.

A spokesperson for Barbara Broccoli, producer of the Bond series of blockbuster action films, said the new James Bond had come to light “very suddenly” and was from “an unexpected quarter”.

“Barbara was just cruising internet news sites when she came upon a story from Australia quoting the Catholic Archbishop of Sydney, Anthony Fisher,” the spokesperson explained.

“Archbishop Fisher was urging young Catholics to ‘infiltrate’ the nation’s public broadcaster, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, and to seek jobs in gynaecology and obstetrics so that they could influence women not to seek abortions.

“Barbara immediately thought that this guy has the sort of cloak-and-dagger mentality and an understanding of covert black ops that could richly inform the role of James Bond.

“So we’ve signed him up and have already shot some audition footage (main picture) and I must say he scrubs up pretty well. Except for the love scenes. He’ll need a bit of coaching when we come to shoot those,” the spokesperson said.


MANILA: Ferdinand Marcos Jr has outlined his priorities after being sworn in as President of the Philippines.

Mr Marcos, the son of President Ferdinand Marcos and his wife Imelda who were driven from office by a popular uprising in 1986, won election recently in a landslide.

The new President, widely known by his nickname Bongbong, used his inaugural address to invoke the legacy of his parents which he said would help guide his own decision-making.

Mr Marcos said his immediate actions as President included having the nation’s opposition leader shot dead, imposing martial law, cracking down on any dissent, diverting public funds to his own private offshore accounts, and constructing a new annex to his official presidential residence, Malacanang Palace, to house his wife’s shoes.


LONDON: UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has denied using the war in Ukraine as an excuse to cling onto his job in the face of rising unrest with his leadership within his Conservative Party.

Speaking outside 10 Downing Street (pictured) Mr Johnson said it would be “the act of a scoundrel” to leverage any personal political advantage from a grave humanitarian and economic crisis such as Russia’s  invasion of Ukraine.

“Now if you excuse me I must fly, literally, to Kyiv,” he told reporters.

“A lot has happened there since I last visited yesterday and I need to catch up with President… President… oh you now that young chap in the khaki t-shirt.”

Mr Johnson then tap-danced his way to his official vehicle while reciting an obscene limerick about Russian President Vladimir Putin.