Dutton leaves Xi in stitches!


China’s president Xi Jingping is recovering well in a Beijing hospital over an incident in the presidential palace overnight (Australian time) that required top military surgeons to insert 46 stitches in both sides of the beloved leader’s lower abdomen.

The Chinese leader has spent a comfortable night in the Mao Tse Tung wing of the People’s Liberation Army hospital for life presidents fronting Tiananmen Square (above) and is expected to return to normal duties taking over the South Pacific in a day or so.

The Bug understands that Xi was being briefed by defence experts on claims that Australia might try to buy a couple of US nuclear submarines to help fill a three-to-four decade nuclear submarine gap in its defence preparedness.

“President-for-life Xi had just been shown footage of former Australian Defence Minister and now Opposition Leader Peter Dutton declaring at a media conference (below) that Australia “simply could not afford a nuclear submarine gap!” a presidential aide told us.

“The president asked us how many vessels Australia wanted to buy as a stop nuclear submarine gap measure and what would the country’s eventual number of such subs be when they finally arrived around 2050 or a fair bit later.

“When we gave him those figures, he started to roll around the floor laughing. I think you guys call it ROFLing?

“He asked to see the footage of Peter Dutton again and we shouldn’t have shown it to him because that’s when he split his sides.”