Lord Downer’s idea for the ages


Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has emerged from seclusion following the 21 May federal election to issue instructions to the nation’s 47th Federal Parliament.

His Lordship ordered media representatives to attend his family seat Pout House where, after entering the north-east gates, were marched the 3.2kms to one of the estate’s outlying sculleries where they saw two elderly and dishevelled women cowering as they were directed by a butler to stand and remain silent.

Lord Downer made his entrance by sedan chair as usual, this time carried by four footmen of advanced aged who displayed great difficulty in transporting the conveyance.

After the four exhausted gentlemen dropped the sedan chair heavily on the ground, His Lordship alighted with hat akimbo and rounded on one of them, beating him with his swagger stick.

Before he could strike a first blow against a second footman, Lord Downer’s attention was directed by his butler to the assembled media representatives eager to hear his words of wisdom.

His Lordship righted his hat, retrieved a nosegay from a laced sleeve and inhaled deeply before announcing that he had an idea for the new parliament.

“Given the crisis of labour shortages, it’s about time the parliament allowed pensioners to work,” he began.

“The idea that pensions are withdrawn if pensioners generate income is keeping hundreds of thousands of people out of the workplace.”

At that point His Lordship pointed at the two scullery maids standing behind him. (main picture)

“Of course, continuing to pay pensions to people who earn income will cost money, but that expenditure can be recouped through income tax on those earnings,” His Lordship continued.

“It’s not going to be beyond the wit of the new parliament to work out how to make this operate efficiently and in a relatively cost-neutral way.

“It’s a very good example of a policy that addresses the real needs of the economy in a practical way but also philosophically expands the choice available, in this case to senior citizens.”

His Lordship then declared he had concluded his statement, would not be taking questions, and expected to be kept up to date on the new parliament’s progress in implementing his idea post haste.

Lord Downer’s butler then ordered the four elderly footmen to disperse, having used the duration of His Lordship’s remarks to summon four strapping young footmen as replacements.

The four young men, unfortunately naked having been summoned during their morning ablutions, then picked up the sedan chair ready for His Lordship to climb aboard.

However, Lord Downer decided against using the sedan chair to return to Pout House and instead instructed the four young men to take turns carrying him in their arms.