Six of the best!

… to whip Australia into shape!

In no particular order, here’s what I’d like to do almost immediately were I to wake up finding myself with a funny Italian surname and, despite making a number of gaffes that the mainstream media was truly convinced had ruined my chances of promotion FOREVER!, the prime minister of this great brown land of ours.

  1. As soon as a new immigration minister is sworn in, get him or her to put the Murugappan family on a fast plane back to their home town of Biloela. Give them full citizenship and throw them some “we’re sorry” money for the years of cruel incarceration and mistreatment. Not expecting a lot from the side of politics that brought us “they’ll never be allowed to settle in Australia” policies but it would be one small step in the path to the dehowardisation – the decunting, if you like – of Australia.
  2. Lie that your Treasurer and Finance Minister have already thoroughly checked the books and declare solemnly that we’re in such a ruinous state that the third tranche of income tax cuts that favour the fucking well-off anyway will have to be axed immediately, if there’s Senate support for it. Use the countless billions of dollars saved for silly things like dental care for kids, helping our South Pacific neighbours that won’t stop China’s push into the region but it’s worth a try at least, funding renewable energy projects or, stupid idea I know, just starting to reducing the deficit.
  3. Bring in that federal ICAC you’ve promised but just make sure it’s got teeth that make a mature great white look gummy and that has a number of Morrison ministers in jail by mid next year at the latest.
  1. Tell Joe Biden and Boris Johnson that AUKUS has to be expanded to include France, thus becoming FAUKUS that then faukuses off the nuclear submarine option and buys some cheaper, conventionally powered subs from all three countries. Or none at all.
  2. Halt every last dollar of all the top-shelf, rolled-gold porkbarreling that Morrison promised before and during the campaign. Have them all reassessed by decent and honest public servants and keep only those that show true merit. In other words, put the entire amount towards matters mentioned in point 2. Besides, all porkbarreling is corrupt, as is the thinking that the federal ICAC will bring to justice governments who engage in it. Prevention is better than cure so if the Albanese government is going to stick to the notion that ministers must have a final say, legislate that any changes they make to recommended grant submissions by community groups who stupidly think the process is fair and honest and that they have a good chance of success for the hard work they’ve put into those submissions must be published in real time in the government gazette, with severe criminal penalties for failing to do so.
  3. Instruct all incoming ministers, but especially those responsible for resources and mining, that any application or correspondence on any matter from Clive Palmer, Mineralogy, Waratah Coal or any other business the dreadful fat cunt’s remotely associated with must be sent immediately for a five-year assessment process before a departmental sub-committee that doesn’t exist. Surely it’s the least the new Labor government can do to “reward” Palmer for his major role in inflicting Scott Morrison on Australia these past three years.

Don Gordon-Brown