Lord Downer explains all

Tickets were understandably snapped up in minutes after they went on line for Thursday night’s personal appearance by Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills as the key guest on a special post-election episode of ABC TV’s public forum program Q&A.

Personally, I can barely wait for the program – to be screened live from the Melbourne Convention and Exhibition Centre – in which Lord Downer will explain how the hoi polloi of this once great nation got it so terribly wrong last Saturday.

Lord Downer, the direct-line descendant of the famous aristocratic Downer family that single-handedly shaped colonial Australia and can be credited with the enormous wealth it now enjoys, has travelled from his ancestral home, Pout House, to address the program hosted by David Speers.

I am told that the ABC has spared no expense to accommodate all of Lord Downer’s many demands for his appearance on the program, including filling the MCEC’s Jeff Kennett Theatre with a specially recruited test audience yesterday for a short familiarisation inspection of the venue demanded by His Lordship. (main picture)

Lord Downer had insisted that he make the trip to Melbourne for the rehearsal in one of his fleet of sedan chairs carried by four strapping young footmen who were not only to run the 700 kms from the Adelaide Hills non-stop, but also completely naked.

But when the ABC explained the trip would take almost a week, His Lordship relented and agreed to be flown by a private helicopter chartered by the national broadcaster from his estate to Adelaide Airport where he boarded a hired private jet to take him to Melbourne.

“Fiddle-dee-dee,” His Lordship remarked to me when I caught up with him at the MCEC. “I shall bow to the ABC’s request this one time.

“But I shall be returning to my beloved Pout House by sedan chair regardless.

“Ods bodkins! I’m not underpaying my footmen to lounge around while I am away on important business for the nation.

“They can carry me back and be damned pleased about it to by Jove, and they can do it naked.”

Lord Downer explained to me that the idea for Thursday’s special Q&A program was all his.

“Now that so-called ‘voters’ have unfathomably chosen a….a…..”

Here Lord Downer choked back tears and fell silent for a moment before continuing.

“Now that they have chosen a…a… a Labor Government it is left to people of my rank to explain to the lower classes the dire consequences of their mistake.

“Thursday night’s program will be just like an ordinary Q&A, but without the usual Communist plants in the audience.

“Viewers may notice another subtle difference in that I shall not be tolerating any Qs and I shall be giving all the As.

“It will be a public lecture if you will. Or more accurately, a public hector,” His Lordship told me before barking at an ABC production assistant and demanding snuff.