News Corp’s charity push

SYDNEY: In the wake of the federal election result News Corp Australia has announced a major philanthropic project it will fund in all communities across Australia.

The project, to deliver hearing and eyesight tests to all Australians of voting age, is expected to be rolled out within days and will be spearheaded by News Corp Australia’s metro daily turdbloid newspapers, its national broadshit The Australian, and Sky News.

Sky News CEO, Paul Whittaker, (at left in main picture), said News Corp Australia had been shocked by the fact most voters had failed to heed the clear message the Murdoch media had given them to return the Morrison Government.

“It’s as if voters aren’t listening to us and that they had some trouble reading the directives we have been giving them every single day in every story published in each of our news outlets,” Mr Whittaker said.

Editor-in-chief of The Australian, Chris Dore, (at right in main picture) said: “We thought that voters really couldn’t miss our message, but they did.

“We can only assume they all have hearing and vision problems which is why we plan to correct that before the next federal election through our free eye and hearing tests which we will follow up by giving free hearing aids or prescription glasses to voters who need them.”

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BRISBANE: The Defence Minister in the ousted Morrison Government, Peter Dutton, has denied he would take the Liberal Party further to the right if he became its leader.

Mr Dutton appeared at a local event in his electorate north of Brisbane sporting a new image (below) which  prompted speculation about his efforts to make himself more electable by his remaining colleagues.

“Suggestions of moving the party to the right is just more Labor Party lies,” he told reporters.

“They are more lies spread by sleepy crooked Albo and his party which stole Saturday’s election by perpetrating yuge voting fraud right across the nation. No doubt with help from their political partner, Jina.”

Mr Dutton said he would welcome the opportunity to lead the Liberal Party.

“Being a stable genius I am well qualified to do the job,” he said.

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GOLD COAST: Head of the United Australia Party, Clive Palmer, plans to launch legal action against News Corp Australia.

Speaking from his Gold Coast mansion, Mr Palmer said he would be instructing his lawyers to begin commercial litigation in a bid to retrieve the $100 million he spent on advertising, mainly in News Corp Australia outlets, on the UAP federal election campaign.

“The ad reps from News Corp Australia swore blind that their newspapers and other outlets reach something like 15 billion people each hour based on the metrics they use to measure their readership,” Mr Palmer said.

“On the figures they gave me I was very confident that my adverts would generate enough votes among News Corp readers to elect me to the Senate in Queensland and enough UAP MPs across the nation to make Craig Kelly our 31st prime minister.

“It turns out Craig’s out on his arse and I got my own fat butt kicked here in my home state.

“Even worse, in most parts of the country those spaced-out potheads from the Legalise Marijuana Party outpolled me, and they didn’t even buy a classified ad from News Corp,” Mr Palmer said.