Rudd opts for direct action

The federal election result has prompted former prime minister Kevin Rudd to drop his call for a royal commission into the Murdoch media in favour of more direct action.

Mr Rudd today revealed he had arranged a clandestine operation overnight that involved the kidnapping of News Corp co-chairs Rupert Murdoch and his son Lachlan and their transportation to Australia.

“Now that they are here in Australia they will face justice,” Mr Rudd said.

“I always preferred the Murdochs to face a royal commission but now that Albo has won government, I don’t want anything diverting time, energy, and attention from what will no doubt be the positive work of the Albanese Government

“I had my alternative plan ready to roll and all it needed was for me to give the go-ahead once the election result was known.”

Mr Rudd said Rupert and Lachlan Murdoch would be locked in a pillory and displayed in public places around Australia beginning today in Sydney’s busy Martin Place. (main picture)

“I had the idea for this the other day when someone asked me why I was always pillorying the Murdochs and I thought, why not pillory them literally?” he explained.

“So I arranged to hire a private jet in the US and a gang of ex-CIA operatives who abducted the two Murdochs and brought them express to Australia where they can face justice.”

Mr Rudd said the Murdochs would spend a week in Martin Place and Australians would be free to deliver their own justice to them in that period.

“They’ll then be taken to other state capitals and key regional centres for the same treatment,” he said.