Lord Downer warns the nation

With just hours to go before the results of the federal election start to be revealed, Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has issued a decree giving his fellow Australians fair warning of the consequences of changing the federal government.

Media representatives were called to His Lordship’s family seat Pout House at dawn this morning where, after fumigation, they were marched several kilometres to one of the estate’s smaller outbuildings.

There they saw three of the household’s many chimney sweeps, each barely nine years of age. (main picture)

A few moments later His Lordship arrived, aboard a brand-new sedan chair carried by four strapping young footmen clad only in wide-weaved lace lap-laps.

On alighting, and noticing the curiosity of the assembled reporters in his conveyance, Lord Downer described his new sedan chair as being “made of hardest teak from the rainforests of Borneo” and upholstered internally in “the finest panda pelt”.

He said his only complaint was the speed at which it travelled –  a remark underlined when His Lordship used his swagger stick to thrash the closest of his footmen.

An under-butler then called proceedings to order and assured reporters that Lord Downer’s remarks would be brief.

“Be assured that the brevity of His Lordship’s remarks is not a reflection on the gravity or import of his utterings,” the under-butler explained, “but is merely a measure of the contempt he holds for lower class, malodourous guttersnipes such as yourselves.”

His Lordship began by saying: “I am giving all Australians fair warning of the repercussions that will ensue if they recklessly ignore my directive to re-elect the current federal government and instead dare to install a …. a ……..”

At this point Lord Downer paused, appeared to gag, and looked unsteady on his feet. A moment later, after sniffing a nosegay taken from one of his laced cuffs, he began anew.

“I am giving all Australians fair warning of the repercussions that will ensue if they recklessly reject my directive to re-elect the current federal government and dare to install a ……a….. a Labor government,” His Lordship said, verily spitting out the last few words before swooning then slumping sideways to be caught by two footmen who held him upright and administered a vial of smelling salts.

Regaining his composure, Lord Downer gestured towards the three young chimney sweeps and declared: “To that end I am ordering my fellow Australians to return the current federal government.

“As long as we must tolerate the hoi polloi playing an undeserved role in choosing the government of our nation, they need to know that there will be a price to pay if they disobey me.

“That price shall be the public whipping here at Pout House of all three of these young lads if a ….. a …. Labor government takes office.

“If so-called voters snub my directive then rest assured that I will personally see to it that these lads’ now soft and pale young buttocks will be red raw by the end of election night.

“I have made my declaration and now all Australians must obey, or else,” His Lordship thundered, concluding his remarks by scowling and wagging a forefinger menacingly at the three lads, before again thrashing a random footman, and boarding his sedan chair which was carried back to Pout House at speed.