PM’s shocking secret revealed

CANBERRA: A shocking explanation has been given by the Prime Minister’s Office for an incident on Wednesday in which Scott Morrison bulldozed a small boy at an election campaign stunt in Tasmania.

A senior Liberal Party source the Prime Minister and the party’s campaign team had been at pains to keep the reason under wraps until after Saturday’s election.

“But the crash tackle of the young Devonport lad on Wednesday has forced our hand,” the source said.

“The tragic truth is that the PM has been totally blind ever since he fucked up and fried his retinas while trying his hand at welding during a factory visit in the Northern Territory back in February.

“We’ve been trying to hide the fact but when the PM tried to run the ball on Wednesday and collided with the young kid it all fell apart.

“The PM fell on top of him and the kid said: ‘Get off me you fat fuck. Are you blind?’

“Without thinking the PM said: ‘Yes.’ So the cat was well and truly out of the bag.”

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WELLINGTON, NZ: The New Zealand Government has announced contingency plans in light of the apparent late swing to the Morrison Government in some election opinion polls.

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said the NZ Immigration Department was engaging extra staff at call centres in the north and south island in case they were needed to handle enquiries from Australia on Saturday night and in following days.

“In addition a Royal New Zealand Air Force freighter plane will leave tomorrow and head to Canberra drop several million immigration application forms at our embassy just in case,” Ms Ardern said.

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Defence Minister Peter Dutton has denied claims that he is stirring concerns about China as an election ploy, saying it is his duty to warn Australians about “deliberate acts of aggression” by China.

Mr Dutton (pictured) today followed up his statements last week about the risk to national security of a Chinese warship sailing off Western Australia with further revelations of what he described as “Chinese provocation”.

“It has come to my attention that a large part of China’s landmass stretches from 105 degrees to 135 degrees east longitude.

“Australians will find it frightening that the same meridians encompass almost the entire western half of our nation.

“This is a deliberatively provocative position taken by China and as Defence Minister I will not tolerate it.

“I have a duty to protect Australians and as such I have expressly ordered a step-up in our defence posture by having this information printed in large letters on Liberal how-to-vote cards to be handed out around the nation tomorrow,” he said.