Rupert fumes over own goal

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation Australia has been mercilessly attacking the so-called “teal” independent candidates for the 21 May federal election who threaten to snare key Morrison Government seats, especially those now held by supposedly “moderate” Liberal Party MPs in inner Sydney and Melbourne.

But The Bug has been handed a transcript of a phone hook-up arranged by Mr Murdoch so he could lay down the law about one specific story on the teals published in several of his tabloids this week.

We reproduce below the transcript of the conversation between the far right-wing Liberal Party-supporting New York-based American media mogul and his Australian coincidentally like-minded editors (CLMEs).

RM: Good morning everyone.

ALL CLMEs: (sounds of chairs being pushed back, people standing to attention, saluting) Good morning Sir!

RM: I’m being sarcastic when I say “good” morning.

ALL CLMEs: (sounds of gulping, urination, and sudden mass expulsion of very liquid faeces) Sir? Whatever have we done?

RM: I’ll come to that.

CLME#1: Was it me, Sir? I just thought I’d run something else on the Sunday front page instead of a big anti-Albo story. I’m very, very sorry.

RM: I did notice in Monday’s…. Wait. What? Something about Sunday?

CLME#1: Nothing. Nothing. Sorry I interrupted you, Sir. You were saying….? About Monday?

RM: Yes, I did notice in Monday’s editions that you all decided – of your own volition, of course…..

ALL CLMEs: (various overlapping comments) Absolutely. Total coincidence. My decision. My call entirely.

RM: Shut up.

ALL CLMEs: Yes, Sir. (sounds of saluting again as all fall silent)

RM: I did notice in Monday’s editions that you all decided to run the same story about the teal would-be MPs having emissions-reduction targets higher than that Holmes a Court fellow whose helping to bankroll them. (pictured)

ALL CLMEs: Yes, Sir! Quite a story we all thought. Separately of course.

RM: Did you just?

ALL CLMEs: (silence for some moments)

CLME#2: Er….um…. Was it not a good anti-teal story, Sir? After all you said we should all go after them…..

RM: I beg your pardon?

CLME#2: Sorry, Sir. I meant to say, each of us decided off our own bats that we should go after them.

RM: That’s better.

CLME#3: Was that …. not… a good…. idea? Sir?

RM: Let me put it this way. The story says Holmes a Court himself favours emissions cuts of 46% to 50% by 2030.

ALL CLMEs: (overlapping comments) Madness. Killing the economy. Woke wanker.

RM: Albanese promises 43%.

ALL CLMEs: (overlapping comments) Scandalous. Typical Labor. Economy-wrecking. Job-destroying.

RM: And Morrison says 26% to 28%.

ALL CLMEs: (overlapping comments) Brilliant. Visionary. Just right. Strong economy. Stronger future.

RM: But Monday’s story says some of the teals want 50% and others want 60%.

ALL CLMEs: (various comments) Shocking. Unsustainable. Lunacy.

RM: I agree.

ALL CLMEs: Phew.

RM: But….

ALL CLMEs: Oh dear.(sounds of gulping, urination, and sudden mass expulsion of very liquid faeces again)

RM: You idiots have just told your reader, I mean readers, that these teals are not the playthings or puppets of a dilletante millionaire as we’ve been trying to paint them.

ALL CLMEs: Oh dear.

RM: Plus the different targets favoured by different teals means they really are independents.

ALL CLMEs: Oh fuck.(scattered sobs)

RM: Oh fuck indeed. But it gets worse.

ALL CLMEs: (sobbing intensifies)

RM: These teals are running in seats where a lot of voters want much, much higher emissions reduction targets than the mainstream parties are offering. So you’ve just published an election pamphlet for them all. How did you morons not see that fact staring you in the face?

ALL CLMEs: So sorry, Sir. We were all just trying to paint them as extremists. What do you want us to do to make it up to you?

RM: You mean what is the identical response to rectify this situation that you will all undertake after some consideration by each of you individually?

ALL CLMEs: Yes. Yes. That’s what we meant to say.

RM: Keep up the extremism line. But I don’t want to see any more facts.

ALL CLMEs: (various comments) Brilliant. Genius. Huzzah.

RM: Fuck me. You lot even make me sick sometimes.