Nine scribes share top gong!

Two of Australia’s finest journalists – both with Nine Entertainment Co. – have been declared joint winners of the prestigious The Bug‘s Media Glass House Arse-Licker trophy for the month of April.

They are The Australian Financial Review‘s national political editor Phillip Coorey and the Nine Network’s politics editor Chris Uhlmann. They were jointly recognised for their “clever and inventive interpretations” on Anzac Day of a recent Ipsos poll commissioned by the AFR.

The award’s senior judge declared: “Both men got the poll results absolutely right. In fact, they couldn’t have been any righter.

“[Nine entertainment chair] Peter Costello and Prime Minister Scott Morrison won’t be needing to buy dunny paper any time soon after their efforts. You could safely eat a meal off their coits right now.

“One of the reasons we couldn’t split the two was their sterling efforts to portray the Ipsos results that showed, as Coorey observed in the intro to his piece, Coalition struggles to make ground on Labor, “both sides battling for the numbers to form majority government”.

Uhlmann over at Channel 9 was more blunt, and we can only assume he wrote the lead-in that poor Melissa Downes (below) was made to read, namely ….”New polling shows neither side is in a position to form government”.

Both “journalists” are of course pushing the line that somehow the poll numbers suggest a hung parliament and it’s clear that both these rusted-on Tories believe – or maybe that should be hope, in Uhlmann’s case clutching his rosary beads – that talk of a hung parliament might frighten voters back to Smoko and his bandits.

Their assessments, of course, are absolute crap. The Ipsos poll finding of a 55-45 two-party preferred lead to Labor points to nothing but a big, big win to the ALP, bordering on landslide territory.

And that’s probably why Uhlmann refused to mention the 2PP figure at all.

Both men if they had the ability to view poll figures from both eyes and not just the far right of the right one would know that the LNP with a primary vote of 32 per cent couldn’t win a chook raffle if they bought all the tickets. They garnered 41.44 per cent in 2019 to just fall across the line.

Our judges called out Coorey for particular praise for the observation in his intro that the LNP was struggling to make inroads “despite Anthony Albanese’s stumbles” in the first two weeks of the campaign.

It takes someone who’s more an LNP publicist than a professional journalist to see only Albanese’s stumbles in the fortnight and totally ignore a series of stuff-ups, fuckups and setbacks from Morrison himself.

Part way though his essay, Coorey writes: “While Mr Morrison’s campaign has been disciplined, his numbers have hardly moved.”

Disciplined, Mr Coorey? Are there two Morrisons campaigning out there?

Did Coorey miss the fumbles over Alan Tudge’s status in the Cabinet at the same time Albanese was being written off by too many of his colleagues over not remembering a laughable, made-up unemployment rate based on people being fully employed if they can spell the word “job”?

Did Coorey miss the Morrison who said “Mr Speaker” a couple of times, who fluffed the job-seeker rate, who permanently gave up on a federal integrity watchdog, who watched the Coalition’s shitty climate change policy being white-anted from within and his captain’s pick in Warringah being asked to quit from his own side?

Of course, if Coorey was referring only to Smoko’s execution of photo-ops, then yes, that part of his campaign was quite disciplined, even if voters are increasingly laughing at them.