Lord Downer in mourning

Candidate nominations for the 21 May federal election formally closed last week, prompting Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills to call for the nation to join him in observing 14 days of mourning in recognition of the demise of the political career of his daughter Lady Georgina Downer.

A distraught Lord Downer spoke briefly about his grief today to a handful of invited media representatives at his family seat Pout House where all flags were at half-mast on the orders of His Lordship along with the trousers of all male staff.

Drawing a black laced kerchief from a sleeve of his mourning gown, His Lordship (main picture) dabbed at his tear-filled eyes before explaining the reasons for his demand.

“Our nation must observe a suitable period of mourning to recognise the sad fact that my gorgeous darling daughter Lady Georgina will not be assuming her rightful seat in our nation’s parliament,” he began.

“The fault lies entirely with our system of so-called ‘democracy’,” His Lordship said while an under-butler standing close by raised his hands and extended the first and second fingers on each to provide air quotes at appropriate times when struck by His Lordship using a riding crop.

Lord Downer revealed that he had written personally to the Australian Electoral Commissioner, Tom Rogers, to complain.

“This ruffian Rogers – a man with no title, mind – had the temerity to tell me in reply that my darling Georgina should have sought so-called ‘preselection’ for her favoured political party in the seat she wished to represent.

“Gadzooks man! Does this working class lickspittle expect my daughter to face so-called ‘voters’ on the so-called ‘election day’. What rot.

“There are 151 seats in the lower house of our Federal Parliament alone and 76 in the Senate. Am I to believe that this Rogers chap could find not one to gift my daughter? Damn his eyes I say.”

Becoming increasingly emotional, Lord Downer continued: “I forbid my dear daughter being the subject of such indignities. The very idea of a woman of her ….. standing and …… breeding humiliating herself by putting her career in the hands of her clear inferiors is….. is…..”

At that point His Lordship swooned heavily while still managing to avail himself of smelling salts proffered by the under-butler.

Once recovered His Lordship said: “A seat in our Federal Parliament should have rightly been offered to my dear Georgina without her having to tout for ‘votes’, especially from the lower orders,” he said.

Lord Downer said he was especially disappointed at his once favoured Liberal Party and its leader, Prime Minister Scott Morrison, for failing to allocate a seat for Lady Georgina.

“It seems Mr Morrison is happy enough to gift the seat of Warringah to his favoured candidate in Katherine Deves – again untitled – yet expects Lady Georgina to make her own way into our parliament,” he scoffed.

“The Prime Minister does not realise the mistake he has made. If he wanted some with views that are extreme and well beyond those of the average citizen, then Lady Georgina – being virtually a life member of the Institute of Public Affairs – is more than a match for Miss Deves any day,” he cried before bursting into tears and falling into a dead faint in the arms of the under-butler who carried him from the room.