Lord Downer has berated South Australians for their “impudence” in daring to elect a Labor Party government on Saturday.
His Lordship also lambasted officials of the Electoral Commission of South Australia for scuttling his plan to prevent a repeat of the offence at future polls.
After media representatives assembled in the east wing library of Lord Downer’s family seat Pout House in the Adelaide Hills, one of his senior house stewards asked that all those in attendance don masks for the duration of the news conference.
He explained, when asked, that the measure was not a precaution against transmission of the coronavirus but a reflection of the fact that “His Lordship prefers not to cast his eyes on the pustulant visages of any of the lower orders at any time or place”.
Once all reporters had become suitably masked His Lordship entered the room and directed an under-butler to deposit a suitably sized stool on the carpet before him.
After seating himself on the chintz-covered Hepplewhite and spending a moment to take snuff and dab his nose with a kerchief drawn from one of his lace-cuffed sleeves, His Lordship began his remarks.
“Gadzooks man,” he said, “How can the Liberal Party expect to govern if so-called ‘voters’ are allowed to throw it out of office?
“This radical experiment in so-called ‘democracy’ has gone far enough. How dare the South Australian Electoral Commission allow vazey ruffians and malsmsey-nosed jollocks and hornswogglers a say in the affairs of state that are rightly the sole preserve of the noble class.
“What hope is there for our society if the impudence of the hoi polloi is allowed to deliver such wild and ill-judged outcomes as we saw here on Saturday.
“It is a problem far wider than just our good state of South Australia, dare I warn. What hope is there of my darling daughter Lady Georgina ever gaining public office in the federal sphere if such an endeavour relies on attracting sufficient so-called ‘votes’?” he wailed with lips aquiver.
Falling silent and breathing deeply for several moments, His Lordship appeared to calm himself and lessen the reddening in his face before going on to explain that he had already written to the SA Electoral Commission in an endeavour to prevent a repeat of “the weekend’s woeful events”.
“I made it plain to the Commission that at future elections I should be pleased to give a groat to any of the lower orders on condition that they refrain from so-called ‘voting’,” he said.
“Furthermore, I am willing to go further and to give a tanner to those who had intended to give their so-called ‘vote’ to the Labor Party.
“That the flapdoodles in charge of the Commission have already written back to me declaring that my idea is supposedly ‘illegal’ shows what an uphill battle we face,” His Lordship said before falling into a deep swoon.
Luckily several under-butlers caught him and gathered him in their arms before carrying him to the Pout House conservatory where it is understood he was revived with the application of droplets of rosewater on his rosy cheeks.