PM explains flood-relief delay

SYDNEY: Prime Minister Scott Morrison has offered a fair and reasonable explanation as to why he is yet to sign off on a $1.4 billion relief package for NSW flood victims.

“My official photographer is on three-days leave to help out a sick relative,” the PM said, “As soon as he’s back on deck, I’ll be somewhere on the ground where it’s safe to announce the relief package has been activated on my executive orders.”

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BRISBANE: Police were called to an electoral office in Strathpine north of the capital early this morning after reports flooded in of what sounded like a man’s screams for help inside.

A police media spokesperson said: “It turned out it was only the local federal member for Dickson Peter Dutton shouting out “No! No! No!” over and over again after hearing on the news that Russia and Ukraine might be close to a real cease-fire and an end to their three-week-long war.

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ADELAIDE: South Australian Premier Steve Marshall is slowly recovering from shock after a cruel prank was played on him late yesterday.

An aide explained: “Someone rang the Premier pretending to be one of Scott Morrison’s minders and advising that the PM would be flying into town from Perth early this morning to help over the final few days of campaigning for the SA state election.”