Lord Downer stands ready for service

FOREIGN AFFAIRS:

Lord Downer says he is waiting to be called on to take up a position as a special envoy to help reduce escalating political tensions around the world sparked by the situation in Ukraine.

His Lordship summoned media representatives to his family seat Pout House in the Adelaide Hills to declare his availability to undertake the sensitive diplomatic mission.

After showing photographic identification and being deloused at the east gate of the estate, reporters were ushered into Pout House’s south wing music room where they found Lord Downer and five naked young apprentice under-butlers. (main picture)

Seemingly ignoring the well-oiled youths whose modesty was preserved only by being strategically positioned standing behind a harpsichord, His Lordship took snuff before beginning his remarks.

“It is an undisputed fact well accepted throughout the corridors of world powers that I am a diplomat extraordinaire,” he began.

“Need I remind any of you,” His Lordship said while pointing his lorgnette at the assembled reporters, “about my service as our nation’s longest serving foreign minister.

“I am assured that I am also remembered for the innovations I introduced into our diplomatic service, most particularly the use of spoon warmers at all official dinners.

“I also draw to your attention my uncanny ability to sense and ‘read’ geopolitical developments, illustrated most recently by my pronouncements in the Australian Financial Review on the situation in Ukraine. (pictured)

“So today I declare, as if I need to, that my talents and services are available to undertake any diplomatic efforts that might, nay definitely will, help ease tensions if – and we all know it is highly unlikely –  that Russia makes any move against Ukraine.”

At that point one of the naked young under-butlers whispered in His Lordship’s ear loud enough for reporters to overhear his detailed description of the current state of affairs in Ukraine.

Lord Downer cut him off and, with reddened face, declared the news conference to be over.

His Lordship drew a laced kerchief from a cuff and indicated the naked young men, telling the reporters: “It is a pity that I must put an end to today’s intercourse.

“I  had intended to entertain you with a tableau vivant featuring these talented youths who have all been on my staff for some time.

“They have been rehearsing my own production of a live version of Russian matryoshka dolls and I for one was very much looking forward to seeing them one inside the other,” he managed to say before swooning heavily into a dead faint. Fortuitously, Lord Downer was caught by several of the naked under-butlers and carried from the room.