Palmer seeks Eurovision crown

Clive Palmer has locked himself away in a Gold Coast theatre to rehearse his self-penned song which he hopes will be chosen as Australia’s entry in the 2022 Eurovision Song Contest.

Mr Palmer (main picture) said he hoped his song Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Freedom would be picked by judges at the Australia Decides event on 26 February on the Gold Coast where the nation’s Eurovision entry will be picked.

He described his song as “an anthem against COVID vaccines and vaccine mandates” and said that he would be performing it in his own unique style.

“I think most Australians would be familiar with my style after seeing me starring in so many of my own TV and online advertisements,” Mr Palmer said.

“So I’m sure they won’t be surprised when they find out that my Eurovision entry consists entirely of me repeating the words ‘freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom’ for four minutes while my UAP leader Craig Kelly accompanies me on the bongoes.”

Mr Palmer said while he continued to rehearse his preferred song, he had composed a fallback entry just in case he sensed that judges felt his intended entry may be considered to be “too political”.

“In the days leading up to the 26 February event I’ll make a judgement about which song to perform,” he said.

“But I can assure my fans and supporters that my alternative composition I Haven’t Seen My Dick for Decades is also a catchy tune that should go all the way to the top of the Eurovision ladder.”

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The Catholic Church says Australians of Christian faith need to understand why it and other religious bodies preferred the federal government to defer its religious discrimination laws after facing a backlash in parliament last week.

“Unfortunately what one Christian lobby group said about the outcome in parliament is true – the laws are not worth pursuing if they make churches worse off,” a church spokesperson said.

“The attempts to amend the laws by the Labor Party and rebel government MPs effectively took away the rights we and others in the Christian lobby were seeking.

“I mean, what’s the use of anti-discrimination protection laws if they don’t protect the right of churches to discriminate against abominations in the eyes of God like gay and transgender kids?”

The spokesperson said the Catholic Church had a strong record on anti-discrimination in general.

“Our paedophile priests have never discriminated against any child,” the spokesperson said, “and the Church has never discriminated against those same priests by denying them ongoing employment and access to children.”

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Doctors in Melbourne admit they are puzzled by the condition of a young woman who remains in hospital after having her hair washed by Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

Apprentice hairdresser Courtney Trotter, 22, was rushed to Royal Melbourne Hospital shortly after Mr Morrison left the hair salon where she worked after taking part in a photo opportunity earlier this month.

The hospital’s medical director Dr Blair Linda said Ms Trotter had since been suffering widespread skin eruptions, her eyes had rolled back in her head and had not returned, she had been projectile vomiting, her head had turned 180 degrees, and she was also levitating in her hospital bed.

“The case studies and medical literature on this disorder are very thin but our best guess is that she is suffering from some sort of reverse exorcism – a condition that can be transmitted only by the laying on of hands,” he said.