Albanese dirt file revealed!

The nation’s political commentariat is largely agreed that the looming federal election will get down and dirty on unprecedented and very personal levels, with a senior Morrison government minister declaring this week “we haven’t even lifted the bonnet yet” on Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese’s personal life.

The message is clear and the LNP’s tactics are obvious: Prime Minster Scott Morrison’s image has been sullied of late with plenty of “friendly fire” from his own side as to his character and personal traits. He’s been accused of being a complete psycho, a liar and a horrible, horrible person.

It’s obvious then that a key to the LNP winning a fourth term in office will be to take negativity to the extreme in a bid to bring Albanese down to the PM’s level with an horrendous campaign of smear and personal vilification.

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has already given us a glimpse of the campaign, telling Parliament this week that Albanese’s followers were known as bolsheviks and Albanese at some point in his political life had endorsed the idea of inheritance or death taxes!

Clearly, then, the government is preparing a monster dirt-file on Albanese and that’s exactly what The Bug’s investigative team has been trying to uncover over recent days.

That large team of investigative reporters with at least a dozen Walkleys among them believe they’ve now uncovered part of the LNP’s strategy and here are just a few of the attack points from Albanese’s early life that the LNP will be concentrating on in a multi-million dollar advertising blitz once the expected May election is called.

  1. Albanese repeatedly soiled his nappy as a baby even though his struggling single mum Maryanne pleaded with him not to because she couldn’t afford disposable nappies and only had two worn and paper-thin cloth nappies donated by a kind aunt to change him with.

2. At about the age of seven, Albanese was told by his struggling single mum Maryanne that as a special after-school treat he could have one biscuit from a packet of Websters’ gingernuts that she had scrimped and saved for weeks to buy but when she wasn’t looking, he snuck in at least two! Who knows: maybe more!

3. Throughout his childhood, Albanese repeatedly told his mother he had brushed his teeth before bed when he hadn’t! He had just sneakily wetted his brush and rubbed a very small amount of toothpaste on his lips to trick his struggling single mum Maryanne as if she didn’t have enough woes of her own without having to deal with such a mean and tricky child!

4. A fellow student at St Joseph’s Primary School in Camperdown frequently shoplifted at a corner store near the school and Albanese knew of him even thought the lad was a couple of school years ahead, a fact a tearful yet totally unremorseful Albanese finally admitted to his struggling single mum Maryanne who was understandably shocked by the association, albeit one where the two lads barely knew each other.

5. In his teenage years, Albanese repeatedly abused himself which brought shame to his struggling single mum Maryanne who had thought she had raised him properly as a devout Catholic lad and, besides, simply could not afford the endless cups of Rinso needed to keep washing his sheets every day.

The Bug will continue to dig deeper into this issue and will try to uncover more of the LNP’s dirt file on a man who, if what has been disclosed above is even remotely near factual, now looks very unlikely to ever fulfil his dream of being prime minister of this great country of ours.