Does a fab Feb await?

The only way to answer that, of course, is to feverishly follow the advice of the world’s most famous soothsayer, the uncannily accurate Kisma Aryias who has forecast events exclusively for The Bug for the past three decades.

And by the way, please try to track down a RAT if you’re that feverish, okay?

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 1

You lie in bed wondering whether Scott Morrison, when he first heard the news of a code-brown alert, thought immediately of Engadine Maccas.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You are slowly recovering from shock after finding out that something you bought at K-Mart was not Made in China.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

After watching television interviews involving Bridget McKenzie, Sussan Ley, Anne Ruston, Linda Reynolds and a very rare media appearance by Michaelia Cash, you wonder if being cold-hearted, uncaring, ruthless, right-wing bitches is a prerequisite for selection as women in the Morrison ministry.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

After noticing just how many people are offering their pretty ordinary thoughts or talents via online podcasts you decide to start a podcast for people irritated by the proliferation of podcasts.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You’re old enough to remember the time when it was quite clear when the silly season on free-to-air commercial TV networks ended and the normal main season began.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You continue to console your distraught 12-year-old daughter who was not permitted to train as a forklift driver because of several previous drink-driving convictions.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

Days later, you still can’t help feeling that the audience at the Australian of the Year ceremony in Canberra were rubbing it in a bit when they gave Dylan Alcott a standing ovation.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You spend the rest of the night staring at the ceiling after being shocked awake not long after falling asleep by a short erotic dream involving you, a dashshund puppy and Michaelia Cash.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You seek professional help after reading a feature column in The Sydney Morning Herald by Parnell Palme McGuinness that almost made sense.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You’ve just about had a gutful of New Zealand having a prime minister who is kind, thoughtful, intelligent, caring, decent and who speaks well.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

Anyone else out there praying hard like Scott Morrison and Peter Dutton that Russia will invade The Ukraine, sparking threats of WW3 in time for a federal khaki election?

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted laneway late at night armed only with a 3lb Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the person who thought it was a good idea to introduce to the Australian Open tennis a supportive cheer called “Siuuu” that might sound like prolonged “booing” but which originated on the football field by Cristiano Ronaldo, who calls out the sound after he scores a goal along with his signature jump and swivel in the air. You’ve never wielded the bat so cleanly and so forcibly or felt so bloody damned good about it afterwards.