Lord Downer makes a plea

FEDERAL POLITICS:

Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills says his patience is wearing thin at the failure of the federal Liberal Party to give his daughter Lady Georgina Downer a safe seat in the next parliament.

Addressing reporters kept at a distance outside the gates of the Downer family seat Pout House, His Lordship said time was running out for Lady Downer, the Marchioness of Melbourne, (main picture at left with His Lordship) to be guaranteed an electorate.

Lord Downer arrived at the gates carried in the arms of a well-muscled and oiled young footman inexplicably naked save for the pair of polished Hessians on his feet which were each topped by a silver tassel below the knee.

After being deposited at the gates on the Pout House side, a clearly emotional Lord Downer began his remarks.

“Odd bodkins man!” he shouted through the gates, “It is now just a matter of months, if not weeks, before the current 46th Federal Parliament is dissolved.

“Yet nobody has come forth with information about how my lovely, darling daughter is to be accommodated in the 47th parliament.

“One sincerely hopes that this is not a snub to her – or worse, to me – and that a seat somewhere in our Commonwealth shall be found for her.

“It nary matters what seat or where it is located since my dear Georgina will likely never set a dainty foot inside its borders.

“It is certainly not for people like us to stoop to meet or, dare one say, speak or otherwise deal with the hoi polloi.

“Nay, we shall always reserve our cardinal humours for dealing with our equals,” he said, drawing a kerchief containing a nosegay from  a laced cuff and sniffing it deeply as if prompted by his latter remark.

“One can easily think of numerous names from the lower orders who can be engaged to undertake the daily drudgery of constituency work on behalf of dear Georgina, and allow her the freedom to contribute her grand ideas to the national debate.

“She has so many grand ideas too, mind. Just for instance Georgina and her good friends at her club, the IPA as she calls it, want to do away with government entirely.

“What a simple yet elegant solution to all that ails our great nation. If only her grandpapa, and great grandpapa were alive to …..” His Lordship started before choking back tears and slumping into but slipping through the oiled arms of his footman who nevertheless picked him up with great difficulty and carried him the estimated 3kms to Pout House.