May 2022 be good to you

And all the other months too!

So, who would have guessed it, eh? 2021 in some ways was even shittier than 2020, probably because we thought we had turned the pandemic corner to a brighter, more-care-free future.

Still, let’s make the most of 2022 and to keep you safe, the world’s most accurate soothsayer, The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias, has sprayed some Windex on his crystal ball and, to be frank, he reckons he’s never seen the future laid out so clearly.

Please follow his monthly predictions during 2022 and the next 12 months will fly by; in fact, we can almost hearing you shout now: “Thank fucking Christ that’s over!”

So take it away ….. drum roll please… KISMA ARYIAS!

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You wonder if people in Manhattan even bother trying to play Spotto.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

As a rather reluctant vegetarian, you are delighted to hear the news that technologists have invented meat-based plant foods.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

As you spray some mozzies with Raid’s brand-new “double-nozzle technology” you wonder how many nozzles insect spray cans will boast to be truly effective when your own time on this crazy planet comes to an end.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

In a moment of deep reflection, you wonder why toilet-seat designers have never managed to come up with one that never gets shifted out of place no matter how many times your big fat arse plops itself down on it.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You wonder if you might be a bit of a soft touch when, on realising there’s a very good chance It’s a Wonderful Life will be screened on TV any day soon, you check the house to make sure you’ve got at least two full boxes of tissues on hand.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You’ve never seen a Frank Capra movie in your life but faced with spending the entire Christmas/New Year period alone – yet again! – you check the house to make sure you’ve got at least two full boxes of tissues on hand.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

It’s looming as a sexually frustrating end to 2021 after Santa came early on Christmas Eve.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

A shitty 2021 doesn’t get any better when you win tickets to go and see The Matrix Resurrections.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

During 2021 you became quite accustomed to shopkeepers asking to see your state health department app on your mobile to ensure you’ve used the QR code at their door to check in and that you are double-dose vaccinated, but on a recent trip to the local fruit barn you wonder if the forced strip, full body pat-down, and cavity search you underwent were all really necessary.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You nod sympathetically when you hear that the entire England Test cricket team has sought asylum here after fearing what will happen to them if they return home to the Old Dart in the New Year.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You are surprised when you hear Barnaby Joyce declare that he’ll be leaving politics at the looming federal election to spend more time with his family but then understand fully when he says he’s not quite sure which one and in which state or territory.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

After reading yet another mainstream media politics expert declare that Scott Morrison is a brilliant campaigner and marketing genius, you scratch your head and shout to no-one in particular: “What the fucking hell am I missing here?!”