Kelly wrestles with speech


The new year’s eve address to the nation by would-be prime minister Craig Kelly will attempt to snare the votes of more Australians who may be concerned about the strictness of the nation’s response to the coronavirus pandemic.

The Bug can report exclusively that Mr Kelly will enlist his sponsor and mentor, former federal MP and businessman Clive Palmer, to demonstrate their shared disbelief in the impacts of the COVID-19 virus which they claim have been overstated.

A source within the Palmer-owned United Australia Party said it was hoped that the televised address by its federal leader on New Year’s Eve would be a game-changer.

“Craig, or should I say the PM-in-waiting, has been looking for a dramatic way to jolt people out of what he and Clive see as the public’s complacency about the heavy-handed, big-government approach to the pandemic,” the source said.

“They have been trying to generate a political backlash against masks, let alone mask mandates, social distancing, lockdowns, double-dose vaccine mandates, and booster shots. UAP polling shows they’ve been successful, to a degree.

“Unfortunately, the research shows all the ads being run by Clive and all the anti-vax rhetoric by Craig have activated only a small sliver of voters, or more correctly, a small sliver of people whom Clive and Craig hope know how to cast a vote correctly if they actually turn up at polling booths and don’t sit out the election in their own homes wearing a tinfoil hat for fear of being tracked by the Big Brother Deep State if they give their name to be crossed off the roll at a polling booth.

“It seems that there are a lot of voters who haven’t responded to the UAP message – some of those have immediately dismissed it as a crackpot theory while others have genuinely considered Clive and Craig’s arguments but have made a decision that they prefer living with the virus.

“Just to clarify, by that they mean they prefer to get vaxed and live rather than not get vaxed and die.

“That’s why Clive decided Craig would address the nation, and that’s why Craig has been looking to do something dramatic in his speech,” the UAP source said.

According to the source, the “something dramatic” will be a man-on-man wrestling match between Craig Kelly and Clive Palmer.

“The idea is for Craig to deliver a short and sharp oration lambasting all governments of all political colours for their over-the-top anti-freedom approach to the pandemic and then to have Clive join him in a  wrestling match that will involve no masks, no social distancing, and as much close personal contact as possible.

“They have been rehearsing their appearance (main picture) for the past few days and are happy with the format.

“The only decision they are yet to make is whether they will wrestle fully nude or just shirtless as they been practising.

“We are seeking some advice from our lawyers on our obligations under broadcasting laws,” the source said.