Is Morrison using a stand-in?


Was that really Prime Minister Scott Morrison giving a presser at Kirribilli House in Sydney yesterday? Or was it a stand-in who nailed his smirk, mendacious ways and general mannerisms just about perfectly?

This is the question being posed by linguistics and facial and character recognition experts after the PM’s media conference.

And their doubts will no doubt reignite rumours across social media throughout the day that Morrison had actually flown out by private jet several days ago to get riding instructions from Rupert Murdoch in Aspen, Colorado.

Head of Linguistics Studies at LaTrobe University, Professor Iva Slightlisp explained her doubts to The Bug this way: “Only about five minutes into his media call, I turned to my colleagues and said: ‘Oh, oh! Something’s not right here.

“He wasn’t butchering the language with silly mispronunciations every other sentence like he normally does.

“And this was about midday, he’s supposedly on holidays, the Kirribilli House wine cellar is apparently full so he would have been throwing quite a few down his throat by then which means there shouldn’t have been a single sentence that was safe. No, the whole thing just didn’t sound right.

“There is deadset an imposter at work here. My best guess is that Morrison right now is sucking Rupert Murdoch’s dick in Aspen to the very best of his ability.

“He’ll be promising the Dirty Digger hundreds of millions for SkyNews Australia if they cover shuttlecock games and he’ll only stop giving Rupe the thousand lashes with the Robert Young every now and then to catch his breath, wipe his mouth and beg Rupe to go even harder on Labor in the upcoming federal campaign … if that’s at all possible, that is.”

Professor Paul van Onselen, head of the human behavioral sciences department at the University of Western Australia, concurred with his eastern-state colleague.

“Whoever this guy was, he was good, no doubt, but not good enough,” Prof. Van Onselen said.

“Rewatch the bit where he tries to defuse accusations that he’s gone missing in action over recent days by smugly declaring he’d been busy working hard with federal and state colleagues to advance the fight against COVID-19.

“The smirk was there, sure, but it just lacked that total self-assurance that only Mr Morrison can muster as a proven brilliant campaigner and marketer.

“The real Scott Morrison is going to win the next election.”

The Bug has contacted the nation’s acting elite to try to determine who masqueraded as Morrison outside Kirribili House yesterday but his identity remains unknown at this stage.

William McInnis was definitely in Queensland at the time, John Howard – the actor, not the lying rodent and racist cunt – was definitely elsewhere too, Cate Blanchett is overseas on location and Bill Hunter died a decade ago.